I Started It

[Spiritwind]

Always the feeling of things I don't know. I spend a lot of time these days, sifting through my thoughts, questioning again and again what I think I know. I can only speak for myself, but it is very unsettling to realize how much I really don't know. So much has been hidden from us. It's like being one piece of a very large puzzle.

A feeling of great humility comes over me. I woke up with an undefinable angst, and after realizing it wasn't going to just go away, and that I would probably project this energy onto how I would experience my day, I decided to quit trying to do all the things on my list, and figure it out. What is really going on.

This brought me to ponder on several common themes for me as of late. This constant feeling of being inside a construct, a complex maze of dead end passageways, as if an outside force is changing the rules of the game as we go along. I keep asking again and again, who is the enemy?

I have also been thinking about our concepts of father and mother here. For I have come to the realization that, this too, is part of the construct. The idea that both of these archetypes have been seriously distorted on purpose, for reasons not clear to me. Sound travels faster than light comes to mind. All the light we see in the night sky is actually a past reflection that has arrived in our time. But how about the light within?

Sound creates. But we cannot often see what it creates until it is already in our past. Because it arrives before light. We can sense it only from within, where the inner light always shines. When I access that inner light, the darkness seems to scuttle away. Understanding comes, and the realization of all the unconscious choices I must have made that bring me to this very moment.

I must take response ability for all that I have created throughout time. That which I can see, and that which I cannot. I can no longer blame any outside source for this state of affairs. When I reflect deeply, I hear the faint distant thought whispering in my ear, "you started it". What?! How could that be?

The very first time the thought was entertained by the One Mind, "what would it be like to not be one?" Thoughts are things, and all thought carries energy. As the sound of this thought moved out through the one thing, movement of a sort not seen before began to happen. Suddenly, this one thought led to more thoughts not thought before. Each thought became a thought form, as the energy radiated out through the one mind. The command had been given. What would it be like to not be one.

To be continued.....

[Spiritwind]

Even if the origin of the first trauma was actually inflicted for all the wrong reasons, it would seem to me, like any memory, it could be reprogrammed on a personal level, so that it carries a different energy, and tells a different story.

To illustrate the point I'm trying to make, I will share a personal experience. I went to a hypnotherapist one time, about 20 years ago or so, because I wanted to see if it could help with healing some of my childhood trauma. I didn't know what to expect, not having been to one before. It wasn't what I expected. He had me recall a particularly traumatic event, in a semi hypnotic state, and then guided me to do what was basically a rescue mission. So my adult me went back, surveyed the situation, knocked out the perpetrator with one punch, and watched as this person fell to the floor, looked the onlookers in the eye, picked up my crumpled child body on the floor and left. This memory, prior to this, felt very painful, even raw, after all those years. After the rescue, even though it was just in my mind, the memory felt totally different after this. It no longer carried an emotional charge. I could remember it now, with compassion for those who watched without acting on my behalf, and even compassion for the one who inflicted the abuse, knowing this person too, was a product of their environment.

I have mixed feelings about using hypnotherapy anymore. Can't speak for anyone else, but now that I know a bit more about what's going on in the astral realm, and how it interacts with us, I am a bit more cautious. But I have found that whenever a block seems to come into my conscious awareness now, I am much more likely to chose to go into a meditative state to see what comes up. That has actually worked quite well at tracing that block back to some event that at least took place in my psyche, whether it meets the requirements of being real or not. Evidently, the subconscious mind doesn't know the difference. Emotions and scenes from some type of memory always seem to surface, and the ability to feel the emotions attached to this memory complex also coincides with a feeling of release and subsequent integration.

I do not wish to leave my power to create a reality that I wish to experience in the now tied up in a past that has nothing more to offer by way of growth, and the expansion of other possibilities. Maybe I left the energy there unconsciously, possibly even due to trauma, but I now need to call it back, for it is needed to manifest a new reality. It seems when it gets left behind like this, it has a tendency to repeat, ad nauseum. As I integrate more and more of this stuck energy from the past, I find myself more able to move forward in making room for the new.

Springtime is here and I welcome the energy for new growth. I think I will plant flowers to attract the bees, the butterflies, and hummingbirds. Lord knows, I have plenty of shit for fertilizer.

[Naga_Fireball]

good grief, very nice thread .
You are able to articulate and recount a great deal and put it in the context of now.

What we do with our energy, whether we are locked into old habits or learning new ones. Or simply responding to the world from a less hardened perspective.

So few people think this way and are instead hurt when they can't find a way to channel or ignore the past--

I really appreciate your thread, people are hard on women and after all it IS spring lol

[Peacerebel]

Spiritwind, you really have a way with words. Very nice indeed.

[Spiritwind]

So this feeling of angst I mentioned in my first post is turning into a trend it seems. Not really horrible, just a gnawing feeling of discomfort along with strong feelings of "get it done". The get it done part has to do with several outstanding projects I have yet to complete, along with preparations for kidding which should be happening over the next couple weeks. It turns out I have four pregnant does (goats) and possibly a fifth, since she has fooled me before, and a mountain of poop and hay that has accumulated over the long wet winter. Got the tractor fixed, so the task ahead doesn't seem as impossible as it did and progress has been made.

Life on the farm is an unpredictable thing. Two of the does that are pregnant jumped the fence that separated them from the others, as I was going to let them sit this season out. They had other ideas. Two of the other does I wanted to get pregnant did not, apparently, so the boys still get very excited and pee on themselves and make that really weird noise that we've all learned to imitate quite well, LOL. I have not been able to quell the anxiety I feel every time I have to downsize and sell a few. I do not eat them, and I'm even painfully aware that they are still being exploited somewhat, as they have to share their milk with me. But I do try to be as conscientious as I can, and trying to find people who will do the same can be fraught with uncertainty. So far I've done pretty well though, but I'd love to keep them all, dammit!

Besides all of the above, this has been a very strange week for me. On another thread I have been posting on the letters of the Hebrew alphabet and their occult meanings and so on. The next one up is Cheth/Chet, which is associated with the Tarot card The Chariot, or, in the deck I use, it is called Mastery. This could not be more appropriate, and the irony of it all is certainly not lost on me. Because I am familiar with these energies, and how they have played out in my life the previous two times I went through them like this, I should not be surprised at how they are playing out now. But yet, I am.

Big sigh. This energy, as I feel it, reminds me of the first card, The Fool, but more developed. The Fool has now acquired some experience with this thing called human life on earth. Just enough to be dangerous. This path is indeed showing me what I still have to master, by seemingly events outside my control taking place. Highly charged emotional events are and have been taking place in the lives of those around me, two of whom I am very close to. One is experiencing a health issue that is not easily self diagnosed. This person is very stubborn and will not just go to the doctor unless the risk of not doing so becomes too great. I can totally relate to that.

The other person is going through a major life upheaval of epic proportions, one that could have been totally avoided had that person listened to the several caring people who tried to point out the obvious. Obvious to everyone but the person in the center of the controversy. I have been there as well.

Because of the above mentioned controversy, I found myself driving to the city yesterday, and tend to do a lot of self reflection when I drive. I've had some incredible moments doing this, a few times even feeling ready for take off to destinations unknown, so high was my spirit soaring. On this occasion I was looking at the sky, as I always do, talking to the spirits of nature. Unfortunately, on this occasion, there were the telltale crisscrossing patterns of chemtrails covering and spreading out over the blue sky, creating an artificial cloud cover. I thought loudly to myself, why are so many people unable to notice this phenomena as not normal, not okay. I actually remember looking at the sky throughout my life, and noticing this new phenomena sometime around the mid 1990's, which in some ways started my search for understanding what is really going on in our world, and why. This was when I got introduced to David Ickes material, which seriously spun my head around at the time.

Of course, one thought leads to another, so then I found myself contemplating the bigger picture of what is happening on our planet. I thought about the radiation that is still spewing into our oceans and skies from Fukushima, and the oil disaster in the Gulf of Mexico that is still negatively impacting the life forms in that area. Then, of course, there's HAARP that we all know angels don't play. So that covers our air and water. GMO's cover our food. Forced vaccinations, fluoride, standard cancer treatments and so on cover our health. And the mainstream media, which is all owned by only six Jewish corporations. Lest anyone accuse me of discrimination, as the story goes, my own father was a wealthy Jewish attorney. So, now, they've even effectively covered the way the masses think. And as if that wasn't enough you can throw in the compulsory public education system, along with organized religion and mainstream science, which, as we know, is funded by these same wealthy families that own the institutions. Brain washing at its finest.

Raping the planet of every viable resource, driven by pure unadulterated greed, along with some psychotic need to kill, maim, and destroy everything in its path, as demonstrated by the top echelons of the military industrial complex, also driven by blood lust and greed, is another aberration to consider, when contemplating the bigger picture. And I am not even going to go into a few more thoughts that have arisen as well, such as the current race for the top position at the White House taking place in the U.S., along with a few other stories in the news. I don't watch mainstream news, but I still manage to keep up with current events. I know I absolutely won't get the truth there anyway, and that's a fact!

So, generally after I have allowed myself to review all the woes of the world, I always have to bring it back home. As above, so below, as within, so without. My thoughts even go back to some imagined beginning, and how the very blood in my veins, and fluids of my body, hold the elements of all my ancestors who ever lived. We know now that water is very much affected by thought, and is connected to memory. All that I have ever been is there. I know that I carry both streams of consciousness, both the one that supports life, and expresses the imagination lovingly, and the one that destroys life, and expresses imagination with hate and anger.

Because all that is held together in forms was created in the imagination first. The bible even says (and yes, I still hold that there are some treasures to be found there), that humankind was made in the image of God, or, the Gods. We were imaged into being by forces beyond our understanding, and yet we have many God want to be's masquerading as God, I would say primarily because they can. Yes, they may be able to manipulate the life force, but they cannot manufacture it themselves. If they could, they wouldn't need us.

But how does this even remotely tie in to what I started out with? Well, I realize that the one thing that still stands between me and my ability to manifest what I really want to see my reality look like, is all the pushed aside and unreleased emotions from that "all that I have ever been", that is used by those who wish to keep their imagined sense of control over my life. So that they can continue to siphon off my energy, and my undealt with fears, and all the other emotions that came with those fears, into actually creating a reality that is the actualization of those fears. I know, in some way, that I am at least co-creating this scary future, until I learn how not to do that.

I also know part of it has to do with keeping my wits about me when I leave this body, because I have left many times in a state of total shock. There were good reasons for this at the time, but I am beginning to realize that the state of shock froze my emotions into something akin to an iceberg of epic proportions. So, I must turn and go back the way I came.

Probably to be continued.

[Spiritwind]

I took a little time today, to move into the emotions that were surfacing. I was drawn to a lifetime in which I had been a woman, back in what appeared to be the Middle Ages, where I had two young children and was married to a brute of a man who was regularly abusive and forced himself on me. In this lifetime I left my two young children with this man, and ran off to join a convent, spending the remainder of my life in spiritual seclusion. The emotional residue from this lifetime was a tremendous sense of guilt at having abandoned my children.

As I went deeper though, I had a scene appear in my mind's eye that goes back much farther in time. In this scene a female warrior is looking out upon a very disturbing landscape, covered in blood and dead bodies as far as the eye could see. A long and skinny weapon of some kind hangs from her right hand towards the ground. A sense of impending doom. As she looks towards the horizon she sees an explosion so bright, it blinds the eyes. As she tries to focus, what feels like a rush of a tremendously powerful force overcomes her. Ash is falling all around. A feeling of being deaf and blind, and a powerful rushing sound inside her head. A feeling of having won the battle, but lost the war.

Here is what I wrote when I first had the above scene appear in my mind's eye for the first time a couple weeks ago -

The Orion Queens (at least some of them anyway)
Consciousness "fell" to a lower dimension because of the trauma of getting blown to bits, but at a higher level agreed to because it was the only way to learn humility. They had to appear to lose everything, and then heal and reassemble at a more complex and expanded frequency than before. The only way to reassemble is through opening to receive the energy of unconditional love, being birthed at a higher more complex and beautiful dimension than before, also anchoring this dimensional frequency in the physically manifested plane. This had not been done before. In order to evolve they had to appear to go backward, like retrograde planets, then return to a forward motion upon integration.

I also get that the rage that wells up inside me at times can trace its origin all the way back to this time. For although at a higher level of understanding was this undertaken, the rest of the pantheon of emotions must still be dealt with, like any post traumatic stress disorder. And not just rage, but the shock and feelings of confusion that accompanied this event, as well as the sorrow and pain of such incredible loss. For this was the loss of an entire planet.

Another series of thoughts surfaced as I was allowing myself to just follow the flow, and that was about ash. This may sound strange, but I began to ponder how to turn such a tragedy into something else. Since everything is actually created through what is imaged in the mind, how can I create a different outcome, so that the trauma finally gets healed and doesn't continue to repeat itself in untold innumerable ways.

I thought about how the bible talks about clay being used to create the first human. And I thought about humanities ability to keep rising out of the ashes and find ways to heal. For we do have an incredible capacity to love, to nurture life, and to forgive. To reach out in self less ways to assist one another on the path to greater self awareness. But because of the mixing up of our genetics with other not so loving life forms, we are in a constant battle to overcome the part of our subconscious programming that makes us easy to manipulate and control. So the battle really is an internal one.

In my current situation I am not directly involved, but there are elements that are a bit too close to home. Many times have I been in battles not of my own making, but without a deep inner rage and drive to fight against what I see as injustice and a system gone rogue and against the people, I would not be so easily stirred. I'm not saying standing by and doing nothing is the answer either. Just that acting on subconscious emotions driven by past trauma has not exactly worked out for me very well, and is not what I want to demonstrate to others. It is not a sign of self mastery to me. Definitely to be continued.

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[Naga_Fireball]

Very nice work that I am glad you shared.
I don't "enjoy" seeing better people "lose it", but gosh don't beat yourself up -- omelette & broken eggs, fresh fish under broken ice, et cetera.

My own process of moving on is more like moving down (toward gutter).. It's hard to let go of the things that hurt us -- love and family are barbed hooks and they chew right through a human heart.


Loving outside of our class, for example. Disaster. Trying to help people below our class, go join them says modern society.

We get slapped down a lot in white culture.
Perhaps native medicine can help us with anger.
The other books I have don't cut it, the way the shamans and native healers are able to really SEE the pain of a world on fire.


Youre definitely not alone.

[Spiritwind]

The angst I mentioned in my first post is definitely not going away anytime soon. I should know better by now, but still, I get taken off guard on just how powerfully some forces can express themselves in our lives. As most know, I am a student of astrology, and often use the language to help understand the energies and influences at work in my life, and those around me.

I knew I was coming up on my second Saturn return, but felt confident that I had learned much and couldn't see how those same influences from all those years ago could possibly play out, as my circumstances are completely different now. I am in a totally different place. Or so I thought.

I am not sure of the wisdom of sharing this with others as it evolves, but I think it will be interesting for me to be able to go back and read what I wrote as the plot continues to develop. Which develop it will. There is no doubt now, whatsoever. At least I will not basically try to check out of reality, as I did before, as a coping skill. No, I will meet it head on. Self care is more important than ever. I have learned at least that much. I want to stay awake and alert, and keep my senses about me this time around, which is a definite improvement I would say.

First, I must say, the reason things can happen in our lives, such as what is occurring for me right now, is that we live our lives in relationship to others. There is no getting around it, unless perhaps you live entirely alone and just don't communicate with anyone. I would suspect these energies would still find a way to express themselves. All I know, is that I am indeed going to have to dig deep on this one. I have much more to say on this, but will have to continue a bit later when I have more time. Who knows, maybe writing out my process as I go along will help me in my own healing and self understanding. But damn, sometimes I really do wish I had a magic wand.

[Spiritwind]

The funny thing is, getting back to the magic wand, is that several days ago, just before I received some more bad news, I had got up to find my cat, Simba, had actually got into my beautiful tiger's eye wand. I had wrapped it in bubble wrap and set on the counter for my husband to fix, because the Rose Quartz sphere that was attached to the end had come off. Of all the things he could have messed with, he went for that. Not only did he unwrap it, but he then knocked it onto the floor and broke it in half. I admit, it did take me a bit to get over my strong emotional response to this.

I'm not sure why, or how much input I had in choosing my exact time of birth, but I ended up with a humdinger of astrological natal aspects. Maybe that was the only slot available, and I just had to be here. I also look at life from multiple levels of understanding, as I tend to think life it self is very multi-dimensional in nature, with what we are experiencing on each level being somewhat different. So, on a purely physical level it looks like a big storm brewing, with many volatile and unpredictable energies at work. On another, a great opportunity awaits, with tremendous and rapid growth potential for the growing number of people being affected by this mess. I am being called to action, whether I like it or not. But I must pick my way very carefully.

I have always known of my mistrust of the system, which is fully warranted as it has shown over and over its inability to feel. I can only imagine what it must be like, to not feel anything. As far as the system in place is concerned, emotions are considered a liability to maintaining some imagined sense of law and order. It is another outward sign of all the repressed emotions that must be projected as coming from outside the self. This includes me, and the system. For there are people who run and operate the system, who serve this unfeeling apparatus, who surely have had to turn off their feelings and emotions some long time ago. Interesting to see them all so easily jump to conclusions that they expect to be true, with little to no evidence at all. Weird even, to see them make it up as they go. And they even believe they are making sure justice is served. I have seen over and over how little this is true.

But rage without appropriate action serves no one, except to fulfill the systems expectations. This is what it wants. Because this field of discordant energy is always hungry for more. Even though the challenge is great right now, I know the most effective stance I can take is from a place of unconditional love and non-judgement. What a wonderful place this would be if we could all do that, huh! And I have to believe I am up for the task, even if my knees do shake.

[Naga_Fireball]

You have an incredible gift for nonjudgmental discernment if that makes any sense.

Thank you Spiritwind, for showing how a free spirit casts off hate in order to grow.

I love how you explain the evil system and its insatiable hunger for pain and suffering, without having to use those words.

In awe of your wisdom and experience of suffering.

(Having love letters read & deleted by a stranger does suck. I'm sorry about your beautiful wand getting broken)