As I sit here watching the kittens play I have become convinced they truly are terrorists. I have been taking them outside everyday for the last few days to get them used to outdoor life. I take them in the cat crate so I can get past the dogs without incident, and let them out down at the big barn right next to a couple of goat pens. That way they can get used to the land and goats, the goats get used to them, and the dogs can see that they are supposed to be here. They can also see the dogs from a safe distance and watch Zoey, our other cat, interact with them. I’m taking it slowly, but do want to be able to leave them outside more.
Since our indoor space is kind of small it would be best for them to use up some of that excess energy terrorizing the great outdoors. Seriously, besides trying to lay on my spider plant, right over the top of it, and tear off all the babies that were hanging from it (squirt bottle works great for this) they managed to go for my 20 some odd year old walking stick that had a coyote tail on it, as well as another small piece of fur given me many years ago I had sewed up around the top. Even Zoey never did that! Not only did they go for it once, but managed to get to it even after I covered it up and tried to hide it! (Who knows, maybe that’s a sign I need to get rid of that fur anyway!)
I met with my daughter yesterday at this Chinese restaurant so I could spend a little time with her and her husband and friends. I started talking about the kittens being terrorists and the waitress yanked her head around from across the room to give me a hard stare. I guess all she heard was the word “terrorist”. They had to reassure her that I was talking about kittens. Strange world we live in these days. Gotta watch what you say, I guess.
It has been blasting hot, and yesterday was particularly strange, because I went out early to see the commonly seen artificial cloud cover forming from all the chemtrails and big X’s in the sky. It later mixed with the dust and dirt being blown up by the wind and all the smoke from the fires burning. Four years in a row now we’ve had fire seasons like my husband and I have not seen in our whole life. Big sigh there. California again, Alaska, Greece, and Sweden now. And of course, if you tell people that much of this burning just so happens to coincide with maps of plans made years ago to clear certain areas and make them off limits they will think you’ve got a screw loose. So there was this weird kind of glow through the fake clouds mixed with dust, dirt, smoke, and most likely other crap that is harmful to life. I have no doubt that plays a part in the many, too numerous to mention, people I know with sinus and severe allergy problems. My nose seems to be irritated most of the time.
And the thing about the fires is that all this stirs up fear, but mostly relegated to the unconscious domain where it hides out kind of unnoticed for the most part. I try to see what lurks below the surface of my psyche (or sometimes even deep within), so that it doesn’t gain any ground. Fear used to rule my life in so many ways, and I refuse to allow it anymore, as much as is possible. If I can’t immediately do anything about something, it does no good to let fear grow into something that can literally draw energy and life force from you, make you frozen in place and not even know why sometimes. I been dancing with my understanding of how it works in my life for some long time now. I wouldn’t say it’s my friend, but at least it’s not overtaking the garden of peace I try to maintain in my being. Like a weed, it has its place, outside the garden. I recognize it now, and know how it feels in my body. I don’t negate it, I just acknowledge it as I usher it out the door. Not a bad thing to know how to do, especially in the times we currently live in. Fear is their weapon of choice.
I am quite delighted to have a mini jungle on the property. The corn grew so big and split into multiple stocks. I don’t even know how I’m going to harvest it when it’s ready. It’s very tightly packed, and then the squash I grew with it has spread throughout also. I’ll figure it out when the time comes, which may not be too far off. I also love that the big goat poop/hay piles ended up being better than I could have expected in terms of feeding the plants, keeping weeds down, and keeping it moist throughout the day even on the hottest days. Now I just gotta figure out how to market it! You know, poop is always a good seller, LOL! At least it’s all organic.
On a more serious note, I really do think it’s quite amazing how you can completely build healthy soil. I’ve been watering the bare ground, little tiny patches of grass that’s trying to grow here and there, and the surrounding weeds. I’m even going to start spreading the composted mixture all over the place, because after it gets ground into the powdered rocks and clay dust that is prevalent here I noticed that the water doesn’t just run off of it anymore. For some reason the idea of building an ecosystem that can support life better and is beautiful to boot gets me excited.
I have noticed that this years bugs have taken a different trajectory. The May flies didn’t come out in May, but were a couple months late. Last year I had to put the mask on the horse in May, and this year I didn’t have to do it until July. And I haven’t seen yellow jackets this bad since the summer of 2013. I’ve tried a number things to thin down the numbers but I don’t see any less of them swarming around, even though the traps I set are getting full. I have to feed the dogs after dark or they can’t even eat their food. If any food gets dropped on the ground the yellow jackets really go crazy. I saw them devour a June bug that was dead recently and couldn’t believe how fast it disappeared. They are seriously carnivorous. The big black carpenter ants are in full swing too. I’m not into chemicals and haven’t figured out how to discourage them from coming in. I do tell them “if you’re in here I will step on you”. I figure they have the whole out doors, and we are only taking up a small space here in the bigger scheme of things. And I don’t care what they do if they aren’t inside here trying to get a quick meal. I don’t leave anything laying around, as much as possible, but you can’t get every little crumb. At least I haven’t seen any mice, or rats lately for that matter. That’s a good thing!
It’s less than four weeks to Danae’s due date and she looks very funny when she tries to run. I’m only getting about 3/4 of a quart of milk a day from Coco, but that turns out to be about what we can use, so I don’t really mind. Even though it’s a long ways off, I’m already nervous about breeding 6-7 does this fall. You would think I would be used to it by now, but the last couple years I had to deal with a number of situations that I had blissfully not had to deal with before. That kind of sobered me up a bit, and I take it all a bit more seriously now.
I have a tendency to have a bit of fear arise that somehow I won’t be up to the task, or that something I forgot or didn’t make time to do will bite me in the butt, which it actually can. I wouldn’t actually call it fear, I guess, more like a hyper sense of responsibility. So, I will make a check list to make sure I can stay on top of it all. It helps me feel more organized, and stay on task. Yes, I admit, sometimes I am my own worst enemy. The good thing I realize about that, is it is within my power to rise to the occasion, and everything I do to build up muscles of integrity, self discipline, and acceptance of responsibility, are worth it in the long run. That’s the only thing that has put me in the drivers seat of my own life.
It really helps to realize there is no one else to blame. Stepping up to the plate of life is, I found, the only way I have gained any sense of personal freedom. I finally am trying to teach myself not to always try to get out of things I don’t like, don’t want to do or feel. It’s a common problem, and part of the reason we collectively are where we are. When my family came to visit, as I briefly referred to, some information came forward that, for me, explained a situation I had been puzzling about for some time. Without going into it, I will say that my two sisters and I basically didn’t receive an inheritance that we had kind of been led to believe we would receive upon my grandfathers death and sale of the family home. There is a lot of bitterness on my two sisters part due to some treacherous moves made by other family members. Both my sisters were much closer to the family than I ever was, due to my having been adopted out. I’m actually starting to see that as a good thing.
Anyway, I had decided a very long time ago that I would expect nothing from family. I have went forward with creating my own life without even much thought of what I had missed out on, financially speaking. Sure, it would have been nice to have already built our cabin and moved forward with other things that are going much more slowly because of not having a bunch of money to throw at everything. Yes, I have had pangs of hurt a few years back when I first heard the news, but not for long. Nothing in this life is guaranteed. And I would rather be who I am without financial wealth, than to be any one of them who thought how it went down was okay. In light of what I learned about why, I’m very glad I just moved on and basically left all expectations behind. So much better off. I am hoping my family members who are still feeling the hurt of this can decide to let it go. Because that is what it will take to not hurt anymore. And they are so not worth it.
The way I figure it, no matter who we are, where we came from, what we have done in the past, or what’s been done to us, it’s who we are now that matters. I used to think I didn’t have any choice in a lot of things. I can’t change the past, but I have also discovered we have far more choice than we know. “They” just don’t want you to know that. And I’m a lot clearer on just what it is I’m choosing from. I love my SiStars, both those I am related to by blood, as well as those I am related to in spirit. And I am rich indeed.