A typical ramble.
I am feeling a busting out of sorts.
I found something quite by accident. And I know damned well it was not by accident. I found a forum I joined in 2011. I had totally and completely forgotten I had joined there. It brought back memories of what I was going through, back then.
Sometimes I see people online say, "I had my awakening back in .... blah-blah year." And I could not remember if there was a precipitating event, or a month, or a year, when this all started for me. I do know that joining the one place where I've been since Dec of 2011 was the main thrust of growth and learning. I see that I joined this other place, the one I found last night, only three months prior to that.
So maybe that was the beginning for me, 2011. I look back and see things now so much differently. Differently even than when I was going through them. Say...events of 2009. Or 2007. Today, as I sit here looking at this, I think every moment is an awakening of sorts. Every day things can be examined and dropped, or released since that is the buzzword. Yet every day I do struggle with some of the same things I struggled with all my life. Well, this life...I wonder how much of the struggles of this life have carried over from others. I digress.
I have been 1inMany for over four years. And either 1inMany is going to have to bust out and do some changing, or I am going to have to bust out and do some changing. The username itself if constricting me, it feels like I am choking. I have expressed so many aspects of my personal life, in a specific way, and it has been absolutely
sincere and genuine. But, it seems to me that 1inMany limits the way I communicate. The way I think. Other people's expectations of me, and sometimes even my own expectations of me.
It's like this. In real life I have sisters, brothers, aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews...I have children and grandchildren. I have had lovers, husbands (yes, plural), friends...I have been an adult student, a teacher and had numerous other identities in multiple professions.
Being known as 1inMany online is like being known as "Mom" by every single person who knows me in my personal life. I am more that "just" Mom. That name, should I be known by only "Mom," would limit my expression and my growth.
Ha - here is a good example. As Mom, that one aspect of me, I would never say to one of my children, "Oh, fuck you!" But as a person, I have said this to someone and meant it. As "Sissy" (as I am known to several siblings and even nieces and nephews), I would indeed say "fuck you" but it would be in a very teasing and humorous way, and would have a completely different connotation.
Have I been pretending for four years, as 1inMany? Absolutely not. Am I pretending as Mom? Absolutely not. But no one name, or nickname, or username, could possibly encompass all that I am. Not one.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eAjNVKtQHAY
Do not fashion me a maiden who needs saving from the dragons. I am the Dragon. And I will eat you whole.