Stuck to Unstuck
This is the name of a support group I used to attend, back in the 90's, at a Baptist church in the area where I lived. Pastor Ron was an amazing man who has probably helped more people than he will ever know. I no longer do religion for a variety of reasons, but do not regret some of the very positive experiences I had along the way to where I am now.
He started this support group because he saw that a lot of people who were ready to put Jesus first in their lives were still struggling to make life work. Just saying you were born again did not miraculously make everything fall into place for many. He understood this, having bumped into his own subconscious sabotaging of his life, and wished to share his journey to help others.
I must thank Blue Rising for my inspiration to start this thread, because it is her sharing, that she frequently questions, that has brought about this inner reflection that I wish to share. We all talk about this in so many different ways, using a variety of methods, and it affects every aspect of our lives. How to become whole. It's like we are all striving for an ideal that is already real (because we hold an image of it in our minds eye), but we are trying to actualize this into our reality, into our daily life experience. We are learning a whole new way of being, that transcends, and yet incorporates, all that we have learned in our individual and collective journeys. Because we have not lived this reality we wish to create before. I feel it is truly going to be something new. You know, no matter how bad we may want to sometimes, we can't pull the baby out before its born to see what it's going to look like. We all have to wait, and do our best to provide an environment in which this new life can thrive, and each of us I see doing just that, in a most creative and individual way. In that respect I guess you could say we are all midwives.
Anyway, Pastor Ron often told the story of how when he was a little boy, his father was very ill and in pain. He ended up committing suicide when little Ronnie was only 6 years old. He really didn't give this experience much thought, as to how it might have affected his life, until he was the pastor of a local church, seemingly happily married and successful. When his wife left him his whole world crashed around him as he tried to figure out what went wrong. He realized, that although he had the loving support of the rest of his extended family growing up, that he had learned early on not to need anybody, to be totally self reliant. This is generally a good thing, unless you find that you are clueless about intimacy and how to be close in a relationship.
He talked a lot about having a toolbox for life, that one acquires along the way, and how some of us acquired tools for survival that don't work well in the adult world. Some of us may have lost the tool box, or maybe never got one at all. And so on. He talked about how he learned to reflect on his inner dialogue, and described what he called "internal dialogue disorder". And boundaries, inappropriate boundaries, lack of boundaries etc, that occurs from experiencing a challenging early life. This includes numerous common human experiences of growing up, from a parent being chronically ill, to moving around a lot. It can include a variety of abuses, emotional, physical and sexual, mental, or watching a parent experience domestic violence. Hardly anyone gets through childhood without experiencing some conditions that are less than ideal. He expounded on these themes in a variety of creative ways, often repeating the message with different stories and words, and encouraged sharing amongst the group.
I needed to hear this message repeatedly for it to sink slowly through the various layers of my hidden psyche. My programming was quite scrambled and I guess you could say needed some serious defragmenting. And the sharing of various individuals on their unique but similar journeys was most inspiring and uplifting, as we each encouraged each other as we listened. Listening is a great skill to have by the way. And providing a safe place for people to learn to be supported and receive support in this way. It was also about learning to trust in ourselves, and begin to extend that trust in others, although I didn't realize it at the time.
So this was, in some ways, a real beginning for me, as I started to pay attention to the thoughts in my mind, which were really flows of energy, and became more aware and more responsible for my general state of being. I started to feel some of the pain associated with what I had shoved into my subconscious dungeon. No wonder I was struggling with outer happiness. I realized I hadn't a clue about healthy boundaries. It feels, as I reflect over these past many years, as though I have been the eternal cleaning lady. Seems I have more room these days for stuff I really don't want to get rid of. I have more room for love I realize. And not just human love, which we all know comes with conditions, but a bigger love that no one can own, or buy, for that matter. It is there for all, but can't be reached until there is enough room for this limitless energy to move around. For it is never stagnant. To me, it feels ever on the move, looking for places to fill and expand. I like being in the flow of this energy. It is starting to feel like home for me. The home that goes wherever I go. The more I learn to dance with this energy, the more joy, and grace, and gratitude I feel. And I feel thankful for the creative way in which the universe is responding to the call.
Since many are now questioning whether the earth is even round, I choose to see her like this.