On the Journey...

[Blue Rising]

Worthy of note: Joy begets Joy!

So, after I shared the droomer experience, and while I allowed and invited the joy and gratitude, I started remembering more and more about the droomer. haha!

My 19 year old and I were talking about how funny it is that the younger girls thought droomer was the name of the vacuum-not-vacuum. In fact, what is even funnier were the aha moments they had when they realized droomer isn't even a word. She was talking to a friend of hers on the phone, but said she need to go so that she could find the droomer and use it on the floors. She was totally serious. The friend replied, "wtf is a droomer???" Well, in all honesty she thought that was what it was called. So, she said things like, "Um...hello? The thing that cleans the floor? Duh."

We laughed and laughed that at 19 years old she finally realized droomer is not a word.

I was thinking about this, and I was laughing out loud to myself. Then I realized that in addition to being an all-purpose noun for mechanical devices when the girls did not remember what the actual devices were called...it was also an all-purpose verb. I started to recall how many times I have been asked, in my mom-hood, to "droom something up." It could be I was asked to droom up dinner (fix it, make it, whip it up), or help droom up homework, or droom up a mess.

I was sitting with this, and I thought to droom up....the rest of the story.

Because the joy just keeps multiplying, it keeps growing, and one moment of gratitude has droomed all this up.

[Blue Rising]

I'm sitting with the new experiences, and feeling them settle. I am feeling so many questions want to bubble forth, and I am working my way to a space behind those questions. Where it is simply Allowance.

How do I describe this to someone who has not had this experience? How do I describe to someone who can detect changes in me and wants desperately to understand? I will try to work this out here, it helps me translate.

Having memories, and knowing they are my memories. But knowing I have not made these memories in this lifetime. Having the memories surface is like waking from a dream and wanting desperately to recall every detail. But sitting just on the outside of it. I cannot let my guard down enough to sit *inside* these memories and have the first person experience again. But I watch the scene, and know beyond the shadow of a doubt I am watching myself.

And then I sit with this. Such diverse memories, such diverse time periods, such different roles over....such a long time as I would know time.

Then it happens. I know The Lady. I have felt many layers of "we are one"...over the past few years...from a logical perspective that we all breathe the same air, we all belong to the human race....to a non-physical, more spiritual understanding that there is somehow a collective thought bubble that we all share...to the even deeper experiential understanding that we are Source, manifest with self imposed individuality....it just gets deeper all the time.

So...I know The Lady. I wanted to know her, felt a familiarity with her. Felt intrigued. Felt curious. Felt drawn. Felt called. For probably two years. But there is nothing that could have prepared me for the instant it happened. She is not separate from me, I am not separate from her. HFW, she is ME. I AM her. The only way to describe this would be that I was thinking her thoughts, although I am certain she doesn't think in thoughts. The thoughts were for my benefit. I felt this love I have read about hither and yon, and it was ...all at the same time... a love I felt up through me and outward around me, as if I was loving everyone and everything...but also from Her to Me, as if She were loving Me. This is the first time I can remember connecting with who I would call Mother Earth...and it was so freaking weird...delightful...powerful...mind blowing even. But the realization that I AM matter, I AM mother...she is not my mother, yet she is. She is not my mother, she is me. I am a physical manifestation of her. Oy...fumbling around for these words.

I saw, too. I saw something open up, an opening of some sort of channel, and saw the energy rise, sort of.

So yesterday, I went outside and I stood in the grass barefoot. It was chilly, even the dirt was cool to my feet. I tried, but I just could not see HER in DIRT. Or...see this aspect of me....I see dirt.

Yeah, okay, I get it. I have to stop looking with my eyes. Although the fear wants to creep in, this time I can see it. I feel something deep inside me holding it off, and I will continue to seek.

Fearless.

Because it is never the end. There is never, ever a destination to reach, and if I thought differently I would get snagged. I will allow this to settle, continue to do my work, and hold onto the beam or stream of light or energy that anchors me. Every memory could be a distraction, every aha, every question that bubbles up, every moment...holds within it the possibility of a distraction. Pushing on.

Fearless.

[Blue Rising]

There is something really bothering me. Seriously. I have to deal with this, I have to get past it. It has really shaken me up.

In the yoga class, we were discussing something. And out of the blue, the man in the group asked, "What is Shakti?" No one answered, but the teacher looked at me. So, I answered. I gave a very simple answer. He was appreciative, everything was fine. But...

The teacher turned and pointed at me and said, "She's the guru."

My body went stiff. I stuttered and stammered, trying to form some type of reply to that. A lot of "um..." came out and a few "I'm...not..." came out. I felt the flush rise, and my arms and face were purple, and I started to sweat. I had to grab a handful of papers out of my binder and fan myself. (This would be pretty funny if I wanted to embellish here. It does sort of sound like a Southern snit who gets the Vapors or something.)

No. I am not a fucking guru. I'm not. As I tried to calm that down, I tried to get myself out of a tight spot. I explained I am just a student. I am just interested in different things. And the teacher said, "No. You are studied in many things." And one other classmate reminded me that the proper response to all this was a simple "Thank you." And I just couldn't quite breathe, couldn't quite get through this panic moment.

The Christian lady said, "Yes, you actually are. I have learned several things from you already."

I am honored that I can help people sometimes. Or however often. Or that people find some kind of inspiration in something I say..or do...or whatever. But guru is probably the one word that could not only give me pause but stop me in my tracks with a screech. I heard the words echo in my head, "Houston, we have a problem."

This is an example of being a big fish in a small pond. I get online and I am a small fish in a big pond. I can't even keep up with the information shared on one single forum, lots of it goes over my head. Lots. Tons.

This just makes me sick. How in the hell do I deal with this? This is a rhetorical question, I reckon. And I have to figure it out on my own probably. Life just has a way of shaking me up, and this happens so often these days. No, there really is no comfort zone any more.

[Spiritwind]

There is much I could say in response to this, just not right now. But, I had to log on to at least tell you that you made my day. I swear, I do feel like an alien in a human body sometimes, because I have had very close to the same type of experience. I have absolutely no desire to be a leader, unless it is to empower and teach others to be leaders themselves. And I can't help it that I have been interested in stuff most people don't want to know about all my life, and that occasionally this seems to call attention to myself whether I want it to or not.

Thankfully, here I am just one of the contributors, and I can share what appeals to me without feeling different. I've hated that feeling of being different my whole life. But then, I don't want to be like the masses either, so I guess I'll just be myself and not worry about it. Or, try not to anyway.

Strange world we live in.

[Moonlight]

It is very good that you are going through this now. I have found that people are eager to give their power away and will look up to some people to give them all the answers. The trick is how to give them back that power, even if they continue throwing it back at you. As a yoga teacher, you will face this many, many times.

If I tell you that you are beautiful, the answer is thank you. If I say that you are an inspiration to me, the answer could be something like, I am flattered, or I am happy about that. If I tell you that you are a guru, the answer could be, aren't we all?

Most people don't know how precious they are and that we all have something to offer. We sometimes have the role of reminding them.

[Blue Rising]

It is very good that you are going through this now. I have found that people are eager to give their power away and will look up to some people to give them all the answers. The trick is how to give them back that power, even if they continue throwing it back at you. As a yoga teacher, you will face this many, many times.

If I tell you that you are beautiful, the answer is thank you. If I say that you are an inspiration to me, the answer could be something like, I am flattered, or I am happy about that. If I tell you that you are a guru, the answer could be, aren't we all?

Most people don't know how precious they are and that we all have something to offer. We sometimes have the role of reminding them.

Your words are so appreciated, Moonlight. Yes, exactly. If I do decide to teach yoga at some point, and there are people asking me to do that, I think that will put me in this type of position. And it is good to learn how to handle it now. And you know what? I was having trouble finding the words to respond with. I love the response "aren't we all?" And yes, again, the role of reminding them...that one I can handle.

TRUTH.

Move Love to you, my dear. And so much Gratitude.

[Moonlight]

I am a very silly woman, meaning that I use humor a lot. I like that about myself as it helps me a lot when dealing with dramatic situations. I would actually answer, "I'm not a guru, I'm a "gouroune""... but that would not work in Texas. haha !

I've been called an angel many times, which is normal in my line of work I guess. I always respond, "you're an angel for saying that!"... in a matter of seconds everyone becomes an angel. Ain't that sweet !

I loved the song "Humble and Kind" that you posted elsewhere. Not my usual musical style, but love the message.

Thank you for that.

Kisses... à la Québec style.

[Blue Rising]

There is much I could say in response to this, just not right now. But, I had to log on to at least tell you that you made my day. I swear, I do feel like an alien in a human body sometimes, because I have had very close to the same type of experience. I have absolutely no desire to be a leader, unless it is to empower and teach others to be leaders themselves. And I can't help it that I have been interested in stuff most people don't want to know about all my life, and that occasionally this seems to call attention to myself whether I want it to or not.

Thankfully, here I am just one of the contributors, and I can share what appeals to me without feeling different. I've hated that feeling of being different my whole life. But then, I don't want to be like the masses either, so I guess I'll just be myself and not worry about it. Or, try not to anyway.

Strange world we live in.

I'm so glad you did log on and tell me that. Talk about being an outsider, being Me in East Texas...it is much like being an "alien." I am alien. I usually don't have a problem with it, because I spread my light but keep deep sharings to a minimum. A very bare minimum. It is impossible to do so in such a small group like this yoga class. Seems like there are 9 of us maybe, and when a question is posed, and every member sitting in the circle is expected to answer honestly, and my own honest answers will challenge everyone else, and that makes them look at me as either a guru or crazy...well. That is not something I am used to at all. My commitment to myself and the group at the beginning of this, was that I would be Honest. I do frame my answers very carefully, and I do keep my sharing to a minimum while remaining Honest. And I only passed on giving an answer once.

Yeah, I don't want to be like them either. I would like to get closer to what I see as Mastery, by my own understanding and my own definition of this. My own ideal. And I am thankful also, that Christine carved me out a place here that day, I thought it was kind of out of nowhere that she did this...but....I have a little space here where I can explore my Self. All my High Weirdness, I call it. And I feel Sameness, not difference. Even though the paths we are on are individual and unique... Hard to explain.

Thing is...I probably don't have to

[Blue Rising]

Exhale. Clear. sigh The only way out is through. The only way to clear is to exist in it? Allow it to...what is the key?

Aware I am swimming deep. It feels like swimming deep, and getting tangled in seaweed. Aware there is movement. It is heavy, it is sometimes sticky and other times spins or whirls but does not come up through me. Does not enter. Is the movement Mine? or is the movement in the field of energy?

Darkness. Not as in evil, not as in bad. But dark like a poorly lit area. Veins of red, as if strings. Living strings. Energy that is conscious but at the same time does not feel alive. It moves, but seems it does not do so willingly.

Looking around, but hard to see. I feel it, that's for sure. Why this time? Whose is this? Is this mine? Is this a collective? No answers. It just is.

There are cries here. Much pain. Soulful sorrow. Some anger. Experiences I have no memory of. Are they mine? Like this one:

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_5U0M9ErGA[/youtube]

Thick air. Hard to get to the heart of these masses. But the heart is tender. The heart is hurting. The very inner, I want to say sacred, it exists in this heaviness. How to reach it? How to reach the light? So far away, yet... It is like being in deep water, but not. And looking up and seeing the light at the surface, but not.

Is there beauty here? It is just beyond my grasp.

It feels like painful pin pricks on my skin as I sit here trying to make sense. It is an uncomfortable sensation.

This is different than emerging into outer darkness. So this must be inner darkness. I do not identify with any of these experiences...sometimes it is so tough to make sense of this kind of thing. Outer and inner are not so different, I have learned. There is a different feel to each, it seems I access them differently, but the point of access is inside Me.

I guess it is like an old friend used to say, if it is in my field it is mine to deal with. So it matters not whose it is or when/how it originated. These days, I can change the words "if it is in my field" to "if it has come into my awareness."

It comes to me, I do not need to experience the pain this holds. It is for me to allow my inner light to grow, and touch the inner lights I am aware of in this...tangled heaviness.

And so it goes.

I hesitate. I contemplate whether to delete all of these words. Will I get the attention again? Am I ignorant of the wisdom of keeping this to myself...or ignorant of the wisdom of sharing...which is it? Am I naive enough to still think that not sharing this means no one knows? No one notices? No one watches? No one sees what I'm doing?

Yeah, whatever. Those watching, see. Whether I share these words or not. I know my own intent, that's what is important. My intent is to find my Voice. This is my Voice. My intent is to look into the eyes of this fear, and become Fearless.

[Christine]

... one single description of what we feel so interiorly is worth more than many volumes of encyclopedic knowledge. Truth is you and that is beautiful to be-hold.