Which to write about first. The gratitude and joy, or the sadness and grief. Or the everything in between. It has been a very busy week here on the farm. Maybe if I write about the tragedy I will get the hard part out of the way first. Just the thought of it weights me down, and brings tears to my eyes because it all just transpired over the last two days and I am still processing. Three days ago was extremely busy, with a trip to the city, two doelings getting disbudded, and a family with four kids came over to see the baby goats. All the animals were looking good, eating normal, showing normal behavior, no signs of ill health with any of them.

So it came as a great shock to me to go out early the next morning to find Mama's Girl with a severe case of diarrhea having developed overnight. We've had slight cases of not the usual pebbles that has always cleared up with just adding apple cider vinegar to the water. And, even though I check their water three times a day normally, they do occasionally poop in their drinking water. They usually won't, but if they do drink even a little bit it will show in their digestion being off. But I knew this was not the case with her. She seemed perfectly fine the day before, and water was crystal clean all day.

I've learned a lot in four years of doing this, but this had never come up before. I knew this could be serious if it continued for long. So I raced to the feed store and got a tube of probiotics for ruminants to give her. I had some but had to throw it out due to never needing it and it became outdated. I also picked up some Pepto-Bismol which I read you could give them. But then I looked up on the Internet and it said not to give it to them if you don't know what is causing it because it could make it worse. So, we just gave her a dose of the probiotics and she immediately got up and starting browsing, chewing her cud, and nursed her three kids. We thought, ok, maybe she's on the mend. We left in the afternoon to go to a solstice potluck for a few hours and when we got back could see that she was not doing better anymore. There was no way we could call an emergency vet at that hour. I did that once before and I can tell you that you best have a good sum of cash set aside or it's a no go. So, we decided to call a vet first thing in the morning and take her in.

I got up early to go and check on her and she had already passed during the night, probably only an hour or two before I got out there. She had laid down in the A-frame with her kids and never got up. They all three were standing there right next to her, huddled together looking scared and bewildered, and cried pitifully when they saw me. And my heart sank into oblivion for just a bit. As I shuffled towards the fifth wheel not even fully awake and no coffee yet I wondered what I was going to do. The little ones were exactly two weeks old and would need to be fed every four hours. Thankfully they were just old enough to be able to go all night without feeding. But I didn't have any fresh raw goats milk on hand. I had planned on separating Firefly from her two doelings, who were also two weeks old, that very day, so I could start milking her every morning. But I hadn't started that yet.

So I went in and told my husband, who ended up taking the day off of work. We had a friend who stayed for a few days in his RV en route to his next destination who was able to help my husband dig a grave. Second one now in less than a year, they dug it right next to Simba the cat. And I went in to hyper drive to locate some raw fresh goats milk. I did have goat milk replacer on hand, but you really don't want to cold turkey a baby like this with something so artificial. It can be done, but gradually is the key. And I can tell you, that was a long long drive over the mountain. I had left the address and map open on my iPad before leaving, but once I really needed to update it to see the rest of the way there no internet signal of any kind could be had. I couldn't even use my phone. I should know better, because this has happened to me before. All in all, with wrong turns and all factored in I probably lost close to an hour driving around. And I was in a hurry and emotionally upset. This is more than just ironic. Everything, and I do mean everything, is an opportunity to see myself more clearly. Not that the clarity really helped me with my emotions at the time.They are a funny thing, emotions, in that they have no sense of time, and if you try too hard to repress them they only grow in intensity. But there was a sense of urgency, so I couldn't just take the time I needed right then. Sometimes, that's just the way it is.

The good news is that her three kids, even the little runt, are strong and healthy and amazingly took the bottle relatively easy. One thing is, we cut the end of the Pritchard nipple off different this time. Instead of just cutting the end off we cut an X in the tip, which is probably more like momma. Plus, I read about rubbing the top of their head when trying to give them a bottle, as they rub their head against their momma's underbelly when they nurse. In any event, they caught on pretty quick, which is an immense relief. Still not out of the woods, as with anything this small and fragile, even though they don't know they are. The little guy, we named Romeo, is just really too cute. And remarkably tough, which makes him even more the endearing.

There is so much more that happened this last week, but I'm afraid I've run out of writing steam. The other two, Jinjer and Cry Baby, only have 5-6 days left before they become overdue, so must keep my wits about me. Sometimes I do wonder what I've gotten myself in to.

Oh my, such feelings, makes me go to tears. I had goats and chickens, ducks and geese and when one even one got sick or passed on it took so much out of me. I suspect that you have entered into that special area with mother nature, a place you can never leave and you would not want to go back to the other world.

Growing up on a farm can never be replaced although living in the matrix is something that just happens with most of us. Getting back out can be such a struggle but you dear lady have seemed to walk through that door and back into the secret garden. Always touch mother earth.

Thank you for showing us all your loving ways
Mama moved on Keep the other two and their up and coming babies close

Steven

So sad and yet real in the lives of creatures and humans........arrivals and departures. I love the arrivals and truly struggle with letting go of the departures so sending a long, solid hug your way Spiritwind in solidarity of non stop emotions no matter the situation. Awake and Aware you are

Last night we fixed the little 6 x 6 foot kennel I have so I could separate Firefly's kids along with Mama's Girl's little orphans overnight. Firefly was pretty upset, and I'm a little disappointed that I won't be getting any goats milk for myself for some time. The good news is this morning I got up extra early and went out to milk Firefly and easily got a little over a quart, with plenty left over for her own two kids. Whew! And I didn't even have to heat it up, but just put it in the bottle. And they were hungry, but not as shaky as they were yesterday morning, so that is good. All three of them are beginning to identify me as their mother. It's pretty cute to have a little group of adorable babies follow you around. Might not be so cute as they get older though.

And I can tell you, animals definitely do grieve. I took all of them out for a walk, except for the two bucks, and everything seemed to be going well. Then all of a sudden I didn't see Cry Baby anywhere. Very rare as they are a herd animal and get anxious when not within earshot of me and each other. She was nowhere around though. There is a gate across the road and some fencing between us and just up the road where we moved from. First thing I thought though, was that she went to look for her daughter, Mama's Girl. I have no idea how she even did it because I can't see where she could have got through. But she did, and she was up the road in the old barn we still haven't taken down yet, just a crying away.

We've been slowly getting up to speed, with all the various supplements you should have on hand. We have the syringes and needles we need to give injections, and have B-Complex to administer in pregnancy, but we did not have a thermometer on hand, and we didn't have any antibiotics either. Since my go to person moved away I will probably have to invest in a bander for the boys, and as much as I hate the idea, eventually we'll get the burner for disbudding their horns. I also need to have my husband fix the other stanchion so I can put the bucks on there for hoof trimming. Their heads got too big and I couldn't close it to keep them in place. And they are definitely too strong for me to manhandle around. I have a healthy appreciation for our ancestors, that's for sure. They were a hardy bunch to have survived everything they did.

I wrote all the above yesterday. It's funny, sometimes absolutely nothing at all is happening, and then other times it's going so fast it starts to become a blur. My go to person for all things goats milked probably a dozen or more goats a day by hand, as well as pulling most of the babies and bottle feeding them. She did use one of those multiple feeders, a bucket with nipples all the way around, but still. Funny how this kind of life was the norm for probably thousands of years, and how far from that we have strayed. Anyway, somewhere between feeding, watering, sterilizing equipment etc. we walked by the maternity goat pen and I noticed that Firefly's kids suddenly looked smaller. LOL. I took another look and realized that Cry Baby had her kids, three of them, with similar coloring! Two boys and a girl. They were already dried off. This being her fourth kidding I must say she has gotten very efficient. And as I went out to milk this morning they were all out there looking chipper. And the little bottle babies, they get so excited about eating they can't even get a grip at first. I have to give them each a little bit so they calm down enough to actually suck on the bottle right. And the little runt, he is about as big as Cry Baby's newborns! Now it's Jinjer's turn.

Another busy day ahead, so I guess I'll quit for now. Sometime, when I have more time, I'll have to write about the new rat that is trying to move in and keeps stealing dog food left behind in their food bowls. My husband has been face to face with it three times! And it's big! We are on a mission to find out how it got under the space under the floor. We borrowed our neighbors live trap, but we've also heard they can find their way back up to ten miles. If we were really mean, we'd drop it off at Dick's : )

By the way, love all you wonderful folks here at EE. It's a pleasure to share cyber space with you here. Such a long road each of us has traveled, and so amazing the way our paths have crossed. Interesting to think about how each of us has a story to tell, in fact many. Each day a new page, even though in the big scheme of things it's all a drop in the bucket. Still, each moment is precious and it's good to be alive.

I cannot tell you how special these posts are, this time. I am sitting in a hospital room with my baby, not really a baby at 18 lol, awaiting a diagnosis. Symptoms of e coli or salmonella possibly. Been here for days. I am emotional and tired. But I cannot in good conscience complain about this because she has been at death's door and not even known it. And has been a gracious angel, smiling and sweet, no matter what...

So today, your posts touch me. You know they always do. What odd synchronicities. What odd timing. What odd parallels I see.

My love goes out to you, my sweet. And I'm so excited to hear of Miss Jinjer's babies! If she has 3, and they are all girls... well... I'm not sure whether I would be surprised or not! Ha...

Your babies are always your babies, no matter how big and old they are. Big sigh. Will send some healing energies you and your daughter's way. I almost wonder if they aren't spraying something on us because this digestive thing seems to be reaching epidemic proportions. I'm starting to wonder, I am.

And if Jinjer has three girls I will truly faint. I'll let you know how it goes. Should be any day/time now. And you know, life is odd, truly odd indeed, and I'll leave it at that.

Oh yeah, just found out from my husband who works as the maintenance person for the same hotel I used to work at that the boiler for the hot water system is down and it's a sold out weekend. He has been keeping that thing going far past any one's expectations, but wouldn't ya know it. A full house of 96 full rooms all getting up to take a shower and no hot water. This thing with water keeps coming up (and pissed off people). Interesting.

Here are Cry Baby and her three kids taken just hours after being born. The one in the middle is a girl, the other two boys. The one on the left looks like a clone of her, LOL. They are all doing really well.




My what big ears you have! This is really terrible, but I almost feel sorry for it. I know they are very destructive and disgustingly stinky, but it was so terrified and just trying to survive. We dropped it off 7 miles away at the cemetery, to keep the ghosts company : )

Plus - Dick works there as a groundskeeper (big smile - hey, I never said I was perfect!)

Those little ones are so cute, no wonder you breed them, and hey lets hope the Ghosts come out to spend time with the rat when Dick is on duty....hahahhaha I'm not perfect either!!

It's 4:52 am and I just got done trying to feed three more goat kids their bottle. And I can say I am getting lessons I didn't know I signed up for. I don't even know how much I should say, or how honest I should be. So, as some of you know, I have been trying to sell some of my goats so I don't have more than I can comfortably care for. They have not been moving well for me this year. One reason, I already mentioned, is my friend who sold her whole herd off earlier this year. And the other, besides normal market ups and downs, is that I have not tested my herd for the dreaded CAE. You have to take a blood draw from each of your animals and send it in. Which I am going to do this year. But I have done a bunch of research on this subject, and, much like the immunization schedule they have in place for both humans and animals, there are some big issues and very conflicting information out there. It's almost like a damn religion.

So we lost Mama's Girl and then on Thursday afternoon I was checking on everyone and to my great dismay Cry Baby, Mama's Girl's mother who just kidded a week ago, suddenly had severe diarrhea too! I was quite horrified and FEAR of an almost catatonic nature threatened to engulf me. I have not felt a panic that extreme in a long time. I suspected coccidiosis which can move through your whole herd in a hurry, and can result in considerable losses. Of course, we haven't sold the tractor yet, so finances were not there for this either. My primary goal was to get her through the night and then figure out some way to take her to the vet the next day. We skipped the probiotics and I gave her a double size wormwood herbal wormer dosage ball (recipe from http://www.fiascofarm.com" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;) which I read had been used successfully to treat coccidiosis, and a syringe of kaopectate and some pedialyte.

I think I'll leave out parts of the story, cause it all sounds pretty awful. And I do have one person out there who actually wishes bad things to happen to us, so if that person reads this, just remember, what you put out comes back to you. And I don't do that to people. Even though I shamefully must admit to an inner daydream of accidentally shooting Dick with a taser and watching him fall to the ground. I don't normally think thoughts like that, but this one came unbidden. And, it even made me laugh hysterically. So I'm not perfect. But I don't feed that kind of energy if I become aware of it. And I don't really want bad things to happen to anyone, except maybe to child molesters. Anyway, back to the story.

The next day was a humdinger. I got up early to run out and see that she was still alive! Big relief there, but so much more to come. The vet we normally go to had several surgeries scheduled for the day and couldn't see Cry Baby until later in the afternoon. She could be dead by then, so I couldn't wait. Which was a shame because they have taken a pet care credit card my daughter has in the past, and that would have solved the financial issue. But I finally called one I had used many years in the past and they were able to get her in, even though it seemed an extraordinarily busy day for all the local vets. And then we had to run around to get more Pritchard nipples to feed her three babies, only a week old! We bought some oxytetracycline and syringes and needles, because, in addition to the coccidiosis she had a uterine infection. I also had to scramble and make the long drive to go get more fresh goats milk for the babies.

The other biggie was whether her kids would take to the bottle. They did surprisingly well that first day. Then I brought mom home and now they are balking at the bottle. She really doesn't have any milk, plus I'm not supposed to let them nurse while she is on this antibiotic. But she was feeling better the next day after we brought her home and I let her spend some time with them to help her calm down. Which may have been a mistake because now they don't want anything to do with the bottle (and I can hear her out there crying for them right now). I've got to keep trying though, because this particular stage of the game for them is crucial for their survival. And they are so vulnerable. There are just so many things that can go wrong and there is only one of me. I have to keep a close eye on all the babies. So the next couple weeks are going to be very dicey.

The deal with the coccidia parasite is that it is always present in their gut, but when there are really wet conditions their numbers can skyrocket. And even though I have feeders that are off the ground, they still eat the alfalfa crumbs that fall and they unfortunately just poop everywhere (even in midair!). Stress will increase the likelihood of an outbreak, which labor induces, so it can happen even under perfect conditions. I have actually been very fortunate in the four years I have been doing this and was totally unprepared. I guess it really is a learn as you go situation. The other thing is that normal wormers do not kill this parasite. Wormwood will though, and I am fairly certain that giving Cry Baby that wormwood dosage ball is what kept her alive.

I have to say that although I am a spiritual seeker of truth, I have met some amazing people since getting into goats. They are one practical, hardy, hard working and courageous bunch. They may not be able to tell you anything about metaphysical concepts, but they can tell you things that are even more valuable to know at times. Down to earth, solution oriented, and love their animals. Me on the other hand, I am wondering about more things than I can say. Like, what was I thinking! This is too much responsibility! And where is that rubber room?!

On a more positive note I had a co-worker of my husband come out and looked at all the goat kids, and of course fell in love with Mama's Girl's three orphans. The little runt buckling is about the cutest thing there ever was. She is going to take all three in August, right after they are weaned. I know she will take good care of them, so that's a big relief. In the meantime I am bottle feeding six baby goats about every 4-5 hours all day long. Wow. It's quite a production. They get so excited that they can't even hardly latch onto the nipple cause they get all aquiver. And I really have to watch where I walk because they see me and come running. Which is cute as all heck, until they get older. I'm going to have to figure something out because when it gets close to feeding time I can't even walk out the door. I've been bringing the runt in first, and then his two sisters and feed them with a bottle in each hand. I breast fed all three of my children because I liked not having to do all that bottle business, and left the kids with mom in part for the same reason. Life had other plans for me though.

All of this makes me think deeply about the meaning of life, and what it means to be here in a physical body, knowing that death is not the end, but still knowing the intrinsic sacredness of all life, in any form. And being in this situation where the choices I make, and the things I do affect far more than just myself. Sometimes it's hard to lighten up in these situations. It can feel quite overwhelming at times. But then, just being here on planet earth in physical bodies at this time can feel overwhelming to most anyone. How to deal with that, the vulnerability of being in the physical, and even just dealing with death and fear issues. Wowzers.

On another positive note I am enjoying watching the garden grow. I don't have much this year, but I do have some tomatoes to look forward too, and my neighbor brought me some various types of squash, lettuce, and sunflowers. And my raspberries up the road are looking like a bumper crop this year. Thankfully my neighbor has been watering them. In fact, I've even thought, maybe I should get out of goats and just get strictly into gardening. If a plant dies, for some reason it's not nearly as heart wrenching. And I generally do really well with plants. I plan to keep a few goats, at least two or three of them, their whole life though. In a strange sort of way, they have become my family. And I am grateful beyond words that Cry Baby didn't leave me too. This has even brought up some traumatic past life memories that I have allowed to surface and release. All of this has stimulated some serious reflection. It's weird how everything stitches together, and everything on some level really is connected to everything else.

In fact, I had this strange thought yesterday that actually made me laugh. I thought, oh man, this is going to kill me. And then, that inner voice pipes up with "remember, there is no death". And I thought, yeah, that's true, but sometimes even knowing that doesn't really make it all that much easier. I listened to the whole discussion with Randy Maugans, Clif High, and I can't remember the woman's name off hand. And I remember Clif talking about how good humans are at suffering. Like, we got it down! But that doesn't time make me want to cheer and say "bring it on" either.

Oh, and Jinjer has not given birth yet! If she doesn't go into labor by tomorrow I will probably take her to the vet because she is very close to being overdue. I don't know about you, but I'm one of those people who will walk out of a room when a movie I am watching gets too suspenseful. But I can't walk out of this one. My oh my.

Good day beautiful lady ~ I don't know what I can add to your voice of extreme courage, I guess we come to accept that we did sign up for this place on Earth and while the sorrows can seem insurmountable they are only equal to the joy we can experience too.