I normally get up pretty early and can't go back to sleep even before the alarm goes off. I'm going to write this quickly before it fades from my memory. I didn't even do my usual stuff upon getting up, other than to race out and start the generator and turn the howling inverter off. Freckles and the dogs seemed pretty disappointed, but they can wait. I did feed the kitties some canned cat food but that was a necessity if I wanted to be able to write in peace.
I have mentioned many times that I grew up as a Jehovah's Witness in my adopted family, as well as the fact that my early upbringing was less than desirable. I was not expecting the dream I had, as it touched some deep nerve in me.
First, in the dream, I am living in a fairly large home with two wood stoves and I assumed it was winter, since I was in a living room that had one crackling away. Some relatives had just returned a family member from a visit, and I don't remember much more than that. I think we thanked them, and then there was a new arrival, a man and a woman. I wondered what they could possibly want so we went out on to the porch and sat down. I remember looking up and there was this beautiful tree with stunning pink blossoms hanging down in profusion over the porch and kind of pointed it out to the visitors. The older woman sat at a round table, while the younger well dressed man sat in a chair in the corner. I must have been sitting on a bench, or perhaps chair kind of between them, with my back towards the porch railing.
I kept trying to get the man to just spit out why they were here, because he kept beating around the bush. Finally, it came out that they had paid a visit to discuss my adopted families estate, and something to the effect that each family member received what they deserved. Well, both my adopted parents had passed and I had received nothing, so I began to feel somewhat uncomfortable. I remember going over to sit next to the older woman and try to get her to tell me what was really going on, and I had to tell her to speak up multiple times due to being hard of hearing.
I realize now they were trying to do the same thing the JW's had always done, and that was to shame and guilt me into submission, and imply I was somehow not one of the saved due to my disobedience. Even in the dream something very huge began to well up in me, as I first began to explain in more detail the circumstances of my having to come live with this family, and finally my spirit soared to heights unimaginable, as I explained that I spent every waking moment of my life in communion with the Big Kahuna! They had been quizzing me on how I prayed, and in whose name blah blah.
I was so emotionally stirred that I'm fairly certain I said it out loud even though I was still dreaming, that I Rejoiced in who I was and who I had become, because of that relationship I had developed in my life with loving spirit. I made it clear that I did not have to have their approval, and that I wanted nothing from them. No more shame and guilt for me, under any circumstances.
I don't need your religion.
I don't need your thought patrol.
In fact, thank the wonder of all that is that I don't need you at all any more.
I am perfectly okay just being little ole me, and y'all can just fuck off now, thank you very much!
I’m not myself today, maybe I’m you