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Epigentic Memories - Personal Recall and Reverence

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”
― Rumi
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Christine
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Epigentic Memories - Personal Recall and Reverence

Postby Christine » Sun Dec 02, 2018 12:45 pm

Awake before dawn while sitting silently at my kitchen table watching a single candle flame dance I decided to step outside into the chill of the night air. Looking up at the crystal clear sky observing the multitude of stars twinkling in the vault of heaven filled me with reverence and gratitude, as I sat a gentle breeze wrapped itself around my body beckoning a walk to the little lawn where the leaves suspended in the boughs of trees rustled overhead. Standing there I saw the crescent moon kissing the horizon and Venus rising like a trailing tail.

Moments like these, so simple and blessed are entries into a deeper realm of introspection. Carrying this delicate magic I drew a hot bath of salts and essential oils which is my morning ritual. The mind cleared of worry and slipping into the warmth of the surrounding water it was easy to allow whatever needed to rise to consciousness the space in which to do so. Sometimes one must wait patiently not grabbing onto the first thoughts that present, being practiced at this I drifted on the sea of consciousness.

What eventually came in fully was from my childhood, the dynamics of a dysfunctional family and how much suppressed rage my father still holds. This surprised me as it's been a long time since any of this has circled back around. Listening to my heart's beating empathy allowed me to see how very deep the human psyche goes, how patterns passed down from generation to generation keep playing out. I've known since childhood that it was within me to break this chain and reclaim parts of myself and indeed all my ancestors propelling us toward a new horizon.

A prayer of truth and love for my father started writing itself, things that spirit now tells me I need to speak for without truth the deceptions are permitted to stand. You see, as I saw myself and my brothers grew up in a house of terrors, nightly haunted by dark dreams and invasions of entities. Our mother so vacated that she needed us to affirm her so had nothing to give in the way of nurturing. A father who drank and womanized and when he couldn't take the pressure any longer would erupt in rage. Sadly as I just learned on my visit to California he took this anger out on my youngest brother by regularly beating him with a belt... The little girl me lay in my bedroom hearing this and there was nothing I could do. The grief I feel right now simply wants to be expressed for my little brother so tender and loving received the brunt of a father's rage. As I meandered through these memories I recalled how my five year old self decided that she had to become the parent and take care of the family, such a heavy burden for one so young.

I know I have stepped outside the bars of my personal traumas, so what moved me to inner tears was seeing how this abuse passed down from father to son has been playing out over and over again, how severely traumatized the male is, how my brother has modeled his life on my father's patterns. He's left out the drinking and running after women but his politics, his patriarchal views and underlying disrespect for the feminine led him to his choice of a wife that controls his every thought and move ... Seeing this and what was felt is how deeply he thirsts for his father's love.

Truly there is no judgement in my heart, this patterning of human behavior is so entrenched that only a few have the ability to dig it out and fewer still have the will to heal it. My 93 year old father who is approaching the end of this life hasn't found the courage to make amends, to recognize within himself how liberating a simple act of humility is. As his daughter, his flesh and blood I also carry his noble spirit, his determined strong will and lion hearted loving nature, all buried under his unhealed traumas.

Eventually I will speak of this to him, it is my way of breaking patterns for the truth unspoken dies on the vine never giving the gift it contains. Speaking freely without recrimination of self or other is liberating for shadows brought out into the light of the sun are the only ones that can be absolved. Speaking with love and compassion is one of the little every day miracles that seem like insurmountable hurdles but how fast the walls crumble when you do.

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Bunny love for the tender ones.



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The price of freedom is eternal vigilance.

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Re: Epigentic Memories - Personal Recall and Reverence

Postby Cristian » Sun Dec 02, 2018 5:58 pm

Thank you for this post.

The questions brought up are important.

Like the never ending cycle . Never ending revolving door. Your father was a small boy - at some point. A victim.

How can we blame the victim?

The truth is there are victims that choose not to continue the cycle. So being a helpless child you are both a victim and a future parent (maybe).

Awareness is the only thing that can brake the cycle of abuse. Not money, not fear...awareness .

My father used to beat me , in order to achieve things he felt were important to my development . Discipline . Honesty .
Love was never one of his favorites. He did not believe in love. That was hippie .

But all in all he always meant well. Whatever that means .What is well ,when you have no fucking clue what it means ?

Is not a lot to go on - I can tell you that.

So yes I do like this post , and I do love Cristina .
Es que obedecer por obedecer así, sin pensarlo, eso solo lo hacen gentes como usted, capitán

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Re: Epigentic Memories - Personal Recall and Reverence

Postby LostNFound » Sun Dec 02, 2018 7:18 pm

Wow! to open doors to the deeper places of your souls. To feel the invasions instituted by others, by loved ones on your inner physical and mental beings in the course of walking this existence from an entrance toward an exit is perhaps a wondrous learning and a deep healing. I cannot express this knowing but just listen with wonder. I can only thank you both for this sharing.
much love
Steven

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Re: Epigentic Memories - Personal Recall and Reverence

Postby Spiritwind » Mon Dec 03, 2018 5:33 pm

I often forget just how traumatized an individual I used to be, since it seems so far away from me now. I can talk about my emotionally abusive mom who kept putting me in foster homes, then pulling me out, like some kind of yo yo. And I can talk about the many elusive faces from the various homes and people I stayed with as a very young child. They have no names. I can talk about my adopted father who had a serious rage problem, and having been abused far worse than anything he did to us kids, was probably trying very hard to control himself, even when his rage did express itself in violence towards his children. Fortunately not the youngest, my little sister, but she witnessed it, none the less.

My biological younger sister, who I thought was so much better off because mom didn’t throw her away, was actually left alone all the time, and experienced our mother as someone distant even when present. So she has her own set of problems, wanting to withdraw and isolate all the time. I can talk about all of this with a genuine feeling of love, now, for all of these people, and the trauma no longer has the hold on me that it did. It took a long time, of allowing very unpleasant scenes, feelings, thoughts, and emotions to come to the surface, to be felt. But I know this process cleared out some space. For I am much more able to be in a joyful state most of the time, than I ever even dreamed possible. And I am able to let go of anger, even occasional rage, sometimes deep sorrow and guilt, sometimes regret, self pity etc., without it just hanging out there in my psyche, wreaking all kinds of havoc and inducing self sabotaging behaviors and mental states.

I still have pockets, even now, of stuff that comes up for me and has to be acknowledged and processed. But I have come to be thankful, now, for the return of the energy that was being used to keep the feelings of unpleasantness away. I feel I have more of myself to work with than I did before. And it has extended into memories not even from this lifetime, and possibly not even this planet or reality.

I think one of the biggest things I realized, is that the pain we carry around in ourselves is not who we really are. But we often come to identify with it so much, even on an unconscious level, it almost feels like dying, or loosing a part of yourself that you had learned to adapt to carrying around, like an extra weight, and it feels funny to not have it there, or not have it there as much. It takes many layers of letting go, letting go, and letting go again.

And I also fully realize now, that each of these people, even the ones causing the trauma, were much more than just my remembrance and experience of them. I can honor them, too, for the part they played in my development, and feel empathy for what they, too, lost as a result of their own unhealed traumas.

But most of all, I am able to move into a state of being that is hard to put into words. It is humbling and awesome at the same time, and I feel big, yet small, at the same time. I feel like I have the extra energy to engage in more acts of kindness, compassion, and understanding because of having, first, more room for self love, and therefore more room to extend it to others and extended parts of a larger whole. I can feel it, far more than think it. I would like to think that is potentially where we are all moving. We are entering new space, with new energies that have not been available for a long time. I see many are becoming much more aware of the choices we make everyday, like 1’s and 0’s, love, or not love, and choosing love more. I was talking to a dear friend this morning, and she stated that it is a field that, as it radiates out, has a ripple effect, and I would whole heartedly agree.

Okay, enough rambling from me. Blah blah blah, LOL
May the song from within come forth, Expressing itself as it may
With nary a thought or worry, For how else to spend the day
- by Me : )

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Re: Epigentic Memories - Personal Recall and Reverence

Postby Christine » Wed Dec 05, 2018 12:23 pm

Cristian wrote:Awareness is the only thing that can brake the cycle of abuse. Not money, not fear...awareness .

[...]

So yes I do like this post , and I do love Cristina .


Another early morning as I sink ever deeper into the reality of the truth of love. Cristina has always loved Cristian and always will. Our conception was in pure love and finding that place in me resonates in ever expanding ripples of gratitude.

Continuing on this vein of truth, the blood that circulates through my body and the relationship with my father is bringing forth previously unseen fields of memory. For all the depths I have plunged somewhere along the way I lost my father, and this relationship to "Father" too. My body trembled this morning with such a profound feeling of __________, I don't even have a word for it other than perhaps Grace, for as the muse gave forth of what I would write to my father a stream of all seeing love took hold of me all the way to core.

Yes, the cycles of trauma, the player and the victim have gone on for too long, this little girl in me is finding a new freedom and release. Shadowed memories are surfacing from the deep well. To hold my own father with love is to return to love for the masculine. Words won't come easily at the moment for there is a new perspective forming in my awareness, one I will patiently wait for it to reveal what it must.

You see, my father loved the Earth deeply as a younger man. His passion was geology and building things with his own hands. He planted apple trees, built a wood cabin in the Sierra Nevada mountains, and loved the great outdoors. An overwhelming sense of what he lost along the way by building a prison of social and financial slavery ... Sorrow rises for his loss of Self.

I will end here and begin to compose the letter that wants to be written to him. In closing all I can add is that we must reemerge as a unity starting with the masculine and feminine. There is no comparison in suffering; men, women and children all experience this and most slowly lose their wild child hearts along the way.

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"The secret of true giving is the natural joy of spirit you become filled with as a result. Giving is really like receiving in the end. The ripple effect of simple kindness, goes much farther than we realize. What if we all went out of our way to do one kind thing each day and never needed to tell anyone about it? Some of the most precious moments of my life are the times when I have opened my heart to complete strangers and given something freely of myself, wanting nothing in return. What is one small way you can connect with another being and give something today?" ~ Kristin Lang
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The price of freedom is eternal vigilance.


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