I often forget just how traumatized an individual I used to be, since it seems so far away from me now. I can talk about my emotionally abusive mom who kept putting me in foster homes, then pulling me out, like some kind of yo yo. And I can talk about the many elusive faces from the various homes and people I stayed with as a very young child. They have no names. I can talk about my adopted father who had a serious rage problem, and having been abused far worse than anything he did to us kids, was probably trying very hard to control himself, even when his rage did express itself in violence towards his children. Fortunately not the youngest, my little sister, but she witnessed it, none the less.
My biological younger sister, who I thought was so much better off because mom didn’t throw her away, was actually left alone all the time, and experienced our mother as someone distant even when present. So she has her own set of problems, wanting to withdraw and isolate all the time. I can talk about all of this with a genuine feeling of love, now, for all of these people, and the trauma no longer has the hold on me that it did. It took a long time, of allowing very unpleasant scenes, feelings, thoughts, and emotions to come to the surface, to be felt. But I know this process cleared out some space. For I am much more able to be in a joyful state most of the time, than I ever even dreamed possible. And I am able to let go of anger, even occasional rage, sometimes deep sorrow and guilt, sometimes regret, self pity etc., without it just hanging out there in my psyche, wreaking all kinds of havoc and inducing self sabotaging behaviors and mental states.
I still have pockets, even now, of stuff that comes up for me and has to be acknowledged and processed. But I have come to be thankful, now, for the return of the energy that was being used to keep the feelings of unpleasantness away. I feel I have more of myself to work with than I did before. And it has extended into memories not even from this lifetime, and possibly not even this planet or reality.
I think one of the biggest things I realized, is that the pain we carry around in ourselves is not who we really are. But we often come to identify with it so much, even on an unconscious level, it almost feels like dying, or loosing a part of yourself that you had learned to adapt to carrying around, like an extra weight, and it feels funny to not have it there, or not have it there as much. It takes many layers of letting go, letting go, and letting go again.
And I also fully realize now, that each of these people, even the ones causing the trauma, were much more than just my remembrance and experience of them. I can honor them, too, for the part they played in my development, and feel empathy for what they, too, lost as a result of their own unhealed traumas.
But most of all, I am able to move into a state of being that is hard to put into words. It is humbling and awesome at the same time, and I feel big, yet small, at the same time. I feel like I have the extra energy to engage in more acts of kindness, compassion, and understanding because of having, first, more room for self love, and therefore more room to extend it to others and extended parts of a larger whole. I can feel it, far more than think it. I would like to think that is potentially where we are all moving. We are entering new space, with new energies that have not been available for a long time. I see many are becoming much more aware of the choices we make everyday, like 1’s and 0’s, love, or not love, and choosing love more. I was talking to a dear friend this morning, and she stated that it is a field that, as it radiates out, has a ripple effect, and I would whole heartedly agree.
Okay, enough rambling from me. Blah blah blah, LOL
I’m not myself today, maybe I’m you