Sometimes I am reminded about how writing, for me anyway, takes a bit of discipline. It’s easy and flows readily on some days, and others I just have to make a determination to put words together, nowadays on a computer screen rather than paper. Today is one of the latter. The animals still need to be fed, except the horse. Don’t want her getting antsy and deciding to break out again (she did twice last week, but I’ll write more about that later). And I’m hungry, but that can wait too. And, the big news is IT’S RAINING! It sprinkled some yesterday, and smelled so good, and now it’s rained enough that it actually got everything wet. No puddles yet, but I was doing some serious visualization of it raining and big puddles forming this last week, and I know I wasn’t the only one. Yippie!
We even had to start a fire in the wood stove last night and this morning, which is unusual for August, even late August. So glad to have it though! As anyone following along here knows, we got our generator stolen a few months ago, and it has affected us more than we thought it would. Four months in a row I had saved money to get the horse's hooves trimmed. I’m kind of lucky that the guy who did it last trimmed them a bit short and hers don’t grow that fast. But still, the fact remains that for four months the money ended up going into the big generator’s gas tank just to keep us going. So, when we woke up to Freckles being out this last Thursday, tearing up the only bale of hay I had and getting into the heavy bag of grain I had been unable to put away, I didn’t take it well.
I always wonder if I should be so honest, because a lot of people only want to hear good news, or unending optimism. I still have unending optimism, but I did have a day of feeling greatly at odds with myself, tremendous guilt over the horse, and generally at odds with the world. In short, I had a meltdown, and had thoughts flowing through my brain that were not welcome, and an emotional roller coaster ride that nowadays is very rare. Now, maybe there are some near perfect folks out there, that never have days like this, but I don’t know any, and some only hide it very well. And I usually don’t reach out past my husband and my neighbor.
But my general direction is towards truth, no matter how unpopular or inconvenient. So I did choose to reach out, and share my real state of being this time, with someone I trusted. Trust and truth, they kind of go hand in hand. And I admit, I am a work in progress, in a very topsy turvy world. I can love myself, and forgive myself, though, for being perfectly imperfect. By strengthening these muscles of truth, self love, and forgiveness, while at the same time not being afraid to take a good look at myself, has been priceless, and that’s why I talk about it. For those are often the issues laying just under the surface, in any upset. And if you can’t do it for yourself, it’s unlikely you will do it well for others.
So the horse ended up being a catalyst for several different things. One, is we bit the bullet and bought a generator of a different make from somewhere else, rather than sticking to the one that was remaining elusively out of reach. It’s on it’s way here, and though it was a bit of a stretch for us, I feel so much better knowing that we took action to improve our situation. Patience is a virtue, but sometimes action is the answer, and deciding not to wait anymore for the solution to just come to you. I am also taking some time to think deeply about our future, what with the weather becoming more erratic, ginormous fires that won’t go out everywhere all summer long, and hay getting harder to get. Haven’t made any hard fast decisions yet, but it’s all being considered.
And, on Tuesday I did go to the Talking Circle again. My hearing is a real problem, and especially in the building where this gathering takes place. The ceiling is very high, and there is a loud fan that blows continuously in the background. Even with hearing aids I could not hear the people across the room from me, and that was even with letting everyone know of my hearing problem. I thought, maybe next time I’ll just move around the room and make everyone move, like musical chairs, so I can sit next to who ever is speaking. Just kidding, but it is frustrating. What I did hear was outstanding though, and with each speaker you could feel the energy in the room getting stronger. There is just something about speaking from the heart that is so powerful. And once again, I don’t even remember what I said, really. I know I got quite passionate.
Interestingly, an announcement was made about a commemoration event taking place on September 9th, the 160 year anniversary of a horse massacre that took place, where 700-1000 horses belonging to surrounding tribes were rounded up and slaughtered. This was done to completely demoralize and cripple the tribes autonomy, which it did very effectively. They are going to erect a peace pole commemorated to this event, with a saying inscribed in 4 languages, on the sight where this occurred. I wasn’t going to go because, well, I hate to leave home really, and was wanting to conserve on gas. It’s in the late afternoon on my husband’s day off. On the second day of Freckles getting out I kept coming back to this event, and felt into more deeply, and made a decision to attend. Interestingly enough, Freckles did not get out the next day or since, even though the electric fence was off, and my neighbor and my husband both said they would go with me. So, I guess we need to be there.
Not wanting to write a book here, but one other important event took place, and that is Danae had two beautiful doelings early Friday morning, the second morning Freckles got out, and they were two days early than the earliest date expected! It was an exciting day. I noticed that one of them kept kind of standing apart, which is unusual, with her back kind of hunched and looking cold. It has dramatically cooled down, but normally if they are full term it shouldn’t have been too cold for them, but decided to put little coats on them anyway. I spent a lot of time with her, over the next two days, making sure she was nursing well, and just generally paying more attention to her. They are both doing fine now, being active little goaties, as they should be.
And I did go to the local monthly drumming event that is not too far from where I live yesterday. All of these circles that continue to meet in this way, as I said yesterday when my turn to speak came around, are restoring the hoop, are creating potential new life and radiating energy that supports life, and a strong life affirming sense of community. Maybe that name I chose all those years ago, when I participated in becoming an ordained minister with the SHE’S organization (Spiritual Healers and Earth Stewards) wasn’t so lame after all. I remember my surprise when they said we had to choose a name for our ministry. I was just wanting a little out for working with Reiki under the umbrella of spiritual healing, and had not given any thought to a name, or indeed even wanting to start my own ministry. So I asked Spirit at the time, what name should I choose, and I got very clearly “Creating the Circle of Light and Love”. I questioned it, thinking “really, is that the best you can do”, LOL. Yes, sometimes I am a doubting Thomas.
One last thing is just a mention about how ecstatic I am to be eating out of our own garden. To me, a beautiful lush green garden, with lots of various bees and insects flying around pollinating everything, is magical. It’s one of life’s greatest gifts there is, in my mind.
Two of the almost dozen buttercups squash. These both came out of the corn patch and are considerably bigger than the ones I grew elsewhere. The bigger one is at least 20 pounds. I was delighted and shocked!