I’m looking out the window at the light snow falling, and though it is normally a bit lighter out, it still looks like pre-dawn out there. While pretty, I must admit that on days like this I kind of have to psyche myself out a bit, to get suited up and go outside to feed everyone. In fact, I have observed myself doing things I do not even need to do, procrastinating, and sometimes even doing indoor tasks I have put off for a while, just to delay the inevitable. Funny how that works. I do laugh at myself frequently.
Just last night I was trying to get comfortable in bed. We cut and spit wood for several hours yesterday, which always makes me fairly stiff and sore all over. So I’m trying to get everything arranged with the blankets etc., and I just can’t seem to get it all just right. After several minutes of struggling, I realize the absurdity of it all, and start to laugh. I laughed pretty good for a couple of minutes. My husband had just went to bed, and he found the situation quite amusing as well, like, why not just sit up and turn the light on so you can see what you are doing. This may seem like such an incredibly small thing, but those moments are really priceless, and I honestly believe laughter adds years to our physical experience. They have shown that it boosts our immune system, and gives your body the right kind of message to stimulate healing.
I remember reading a chapter titled: Be a Smile Millionaire, by Paramahansa Yogananda in one of his books many years ago. I can’t tell you what it actually said now, but somehow the underlying message has stayed with me all these years, as it was close to 30 years ago that I read it. I’ve even had people make fun of me for smiling as much as I do, and I am well aware that sometimes a smile masks pain, loneliness, depression. You have to look at the eyes, to see if someone means it. Being empathic I can generally tell when someone is faking it anyway.
But my point is, even my animals are very well aware of my mood, and have no problem interpreting the energy I emit. In fact, caring for animals is a very good barometer for how I am doing day to day. Being a person who used to be fairly miserable, self absorbed, depressed, and even angry a good part of the time, with a lot of generalized anxiety about life, it’s a big deal to me now to observe and adjust when necessary. I don’t want to fake my way through life, and just accept that this is the way things are. I want my smile to be genuine, and I want to feel at ease in my body.
I spend a lot of time interacting with all my animal friends every day, and try to pay attention by dispensing that belly rub to Ranger when I walk by, and letting Nicky (the older diabetic cat we have) get some lap time when she needs it, and go out and brush Freckles (the horse) when she looks particularly bored and lonely. Sometimes I see one of the goats looking left out of things, standing alone. I try to give that one extra attention.
In fact, I’ll tell you a little story from many years ago that happened to me. I was once again living in an RV, only on someone else’s property (I don’t know what it is with me and “mobile” homes, and it’s interesting that I knew when I was quite young that I would be living in many of them) and we were getting ready to move. The property owner had a Labrador retriever that had a litter of puppies that were maybe a couple months old. The owner was gone most of the time and didn’t pay any real attention to any of his animals (he had a cat that went into heat all the time but never got pregnant and she used to like to hang out. I didn’t think much of that). Anyway, I noticed that one of the puppies was getting ganged up on, the attacks were getting quite fierce, and I was afraid this puppy would actually end up getting killed by his litter mates. Even though I knew I couldn’t have a dog where I was moving to, I took this puppy with me for two or three days (I can’t remember) and gave it lots of attention. I handled him and talked to him a lot. I took the puppy back and had to go back several times to finish moving over the next few days. I noticed the dynamic had completely changed for the better with his litter mates after this. A little love and attention can go a long ways, is the moral of that story. And I have always learned best through experience.
Am I doing a good enough job procrastinating, LOL? I don’t really have that much to write about presently (yeah, the drain and well froze up and had to be thawed and insulated better, but that is getting quite redundant and almost boring). I am just very grateful, despite the hard work, with where I am. My daughter lives with her husband and his mother and siblings. His mother just got into a horrendous fight with her boyfriend of several years, and now the air is thick enough to cut it with a knife in their home. I’ve become so much more aware of myself these last many years, my internal terrain and how I really feel in my body. It’s funny, because it’s made me much less self conscious and strangely less self absorbed in my interactions with my outer reality. And I’ve found I can’t even be in a room for long where really heavy energy is being projected. And we just don’t know what we just don’t know. I mean, absolutely nothing of any real value is taught to us growing up, especially in school, in how to manage our internal dialogue and make the connection between what we think and what we feel, and thereby how it influences our reality experience. In a very real way, we are creators, or at least serious influencers, of our own reality.
I think this should be very high on the list, though, these type of life navigation skills. I figured out a long time ago I left home without the tool box. I am so very grateful I managed to develop the tools I need, as I see so many who really don’t have a clue. My daughter is well on her way to figuring this out, and I am very happy she probably won’t have to wait until she is almost ready to collect Social Security (if we even still have it by then) to have a chance to experience more genuine happiness. Being highly empathic does, in many cases, mean you will have to work extra hard. And here it comes back to animals again. When she got her first dog, she was just 18. She went against my wishes (she was still living at home) and got this extremely cute little bundle of fur anyway. Now it’s 6 years later and she has learned a ton about herself she didn’t know, just by trying to be more conscientious in her responsibility towards little Miss Lucy. This dog is a high maintenance dog, and there are many times my daughter has asked herself, “what was I thinking!”.
And there’s a balance to be struck as well. I mean, there is no such thing as perfection in this world, except for maybe calling it perfectly imperfect. So if you are driven by some strange inner compass that wants to attain this outer state of perfection, and keep it that way, you will soon find yourself in a rubber room with a straight jacket on and some mighty strong medication. No, seriously, though, it’s taken a long time to just do my best and accept that it is good enough. I notice many of us like to take on a hefty dose of guilt too, for things we really cannot change from our past. I did not take very good care of the first pets I took on responsibility for in my life. It’s been a gradual process of developing, and then acting on, a greater and greater level of self awareness, instead of self absorbedness (yes, I made that word up).
So, anyway, letting your child have a pet, and learning to be responsible for it can be an incredibly good learning experience and help develop good life skills that can reach far outside appearances. Even showing others how to be more aware of what their goat will need to stay healthy is something I take quite serious. I am not perfect, and there are always improvements to be made. But the first step is just caring enough to pay attention. And I do see more and more people taking a new look at an old paradigm in how we look at and see our relationship with all life. It’s about learning to be in right relationship. A simple concept, really, but unfortunately not one commonly taught anymore. Yep, they had to go out and civilize all us savages. Somehow we gave up something really vital we didn’t even realize we had. Time to take it back.
I can feel in my bones the time to learn bee keeping is getting very close. I read this article about how Walmart has the patent on some robot bees to take over pollinization when the bees are gone. What a bunch of weirdos. I woke up from a dream this morning where I had to have three hives of bees to join this club. Strangely, I had a paper bag filled with dormant bees. I probably will do as I always do, and just jump in feet first and learn as I go. I can already taste the golden sweetness that they will share with me. I promise them, I won’t be greedy, and I’ll do my best. It almost feels like they are waiting for me to take my first step. And I used to be the kind of person who would stop the vehicle and get out and run for my life when a bee flew in the car. Will wonders ever cease. Yup, I think I’ll go eat my oatmeal now.
May the song from within come forth, Expressing itself as it may
With nary a thought or worry, For how else to spend the day - by Me : )