The continuing saga of farm life...
So, I feel a writing coming on but maybe just need to start typing the words out since I’m not quite sure what wants to emerge. In three more months it will be three years since I started this thread and sometimes wonder if I should keep going with it. Especially lately, since I’m going through a strange period of inner change it would seem that leaves me short on words. I’ve been very reclusive since last fall, and now am even having anxiety when I leave home.
I did go to a family reunion this last weekend, which at least got me out of my funk for a few days. It was a smaller gathering than last year, but filled my heart with joy to spend time with my sister that I had been separated from for so many years. I truly thought the time would not arrive in this lifetime, for us to actually have the closeness that I used to have with her. It’s like 20 years did not go by, yet we had so incredibly much to talk about. I really truly missed her, and have deep gratitude for the forces behind the scenes, and the very physical intentions of my niece, who gave us the opportunity to make this happen. My sister’s three sons did not make it this year, nor did my other sister and her daughter. They were missed. And it never did get warm enough for me to take the plunge and go swimming. Strange summer it’s been.
My two nieces and sister spent a good deal of time with my two grandsons, though, as they were keen on spending as much time in the water as they could. Out of the nine kids between the three of us siblings, I am the only one with grandchildren so far, and it’s quite amazing how much they bring by way of joy, pure fun, and innocent trust. Innocent trust is usually the first thing to go as we grow older. I got to watch the youngest, almost 5, learn how to fly a kite. What a natural, and so ridiculously much energy! Like, where do they get it!?
I realized as all us girls, women, spent time together just being, with no set agenda other than to enjoy each other’s company, that there is a thread that binds us all together in ways that I find hard to put in words. We actually came from a family of quite wealthy people, and yet due to probably the fact that we are all heart centered, and our family of origin is not, we kind of got cut out of the loop and have all had to make our own way. Each of us are fiercely independent, yet together the spiritual energy behind who each of us are was palpable. We collectively realized that in some very vital ways we were better off having been cut out of the family loop.
It was also important to me for my daughter to get to know them, as for 20 years she did not really get the chance to know who they are. Without spending time together, they would always be strangers. And we marveled at how, even though very very different from each other in so many ways, there was an ease in being together I think that surprised us all. It was kind of like finding a pot of gold, that had been there all along but we didn’t see was there. The kind of gold money can’t buy. Once again, words cannot express how I really feel. It reminds me of a favorite quote from the Zoo Story, “sometimes you have to go a long ways, to come back a short distance”. Time can be like that, as it loops around and around...
Back at the farm though I am having some issues about leaving home I don’t recall ever having before, at least not to this extent. I had all kinds of plans for this year that don’t look like they are going to happen for a variety of reasons. I might be getting a car back from my daughter that we gave her, since she never drives it. That would actually help, as I don’t like to drive our pickup. It needs some work, even though it drives okay, and it’s absolutely essential for getting hay, so I don’t want anything to happen to it. Our economy car still has the tire off (and kind of blocks the path to the hay barn) and I know my husband is not very motivated to fix it (with the long list of things we still want to accomplish this summer). And I can feel the future bearing down on us even before it gets here. I have never been wrong when I feel this. Next year, between January and March, we need to make sure we have completed certain projects, and be ready for whatever is in store for us, both individually, and on a much larger scale for every one. I don’t know for sure what is coming, but something definitely is. I know better than to ignore these intuitive feelings. And sensing it coming makes me feel more like withdrawing rather than reaching out.
As I write this I realize maybe I need to quite fighting it, and just move into whatever is trying to emerge from deep within that has not found words or understanding yet. I would like to get better at handling some of the more traumatic things that can happen here on the farm. The doe with the eye infection is all healed up now, and then we had to give a series of antibiotic injections to the little buckling, Ronin, that we got this spring. He had a cough, and seriously bad gas, ever since we brought him home. Not exactly sure what is going on with him, but after putting colloidal silver in his water for several days, and giving him herbal wormer too, he still seemed off and his poop wasn’t the usual little pebbles. We had our family gathering to go to, so weren’t going to be home and decided to treat him with antibiotics to see if he got better. Yes, sometimes it is trial and error. He did get better! But then, I had all the goats out a couple days ago and watched him racing after the others through the barbed wire fence. He misjudged and hit it so that it caught him right where his left front leg attaches to his body on the barbed wire and literally flipped him completely over the fence backwards. I thought he was okay at first, then saw that he was gushing blood pretty good. I do panic in these situations. I manage to calm down fairly quick, but my first response is admittedly, pure panic. I did manage to wash the blood off and take a good look at it. It stopped bleeding pretty quick and even though it looked bad I knew trying to put any kind of wrap on it wouldn’t work very well, so just applied a bunch of triple antibiotic ointment to it. Geez Louise!
It seems to be healing up well, but I need to keep a close eye on him. I know I have to sell a few of these new kids to get my numbers down, but it’s always hard for me, deciding who to let go, and who to keep. Big sigh.
Oh yeah, and I wanted to add that leaving the two does that I milk with their one daughter I kept from each when we went on our trip worked! They were not engorged when we came back, and it only took a couple days to get their milk production back up. I figured it would work, as those two girls are gluttons. In fact, Firefly’s daughter will probably not be able to squeeze through the fence anymore after this week. It’s a struggle for her now, but she hasn’t quite given up yet. She has been enjoying her freedom. Can’t say that I blame her.
So, bottom line for me is that I really need to find ways to get out more. For so long I wanted to do many things that involved reaching out to others, and now I can’t seem to muster up enough to even leave home. The phone reception out here seems to have gotten worse, so phone calls are no fun. And I have been slowly over time processing a great deal of what seem to be ancestral memories as of late. It kind of takes me out of this reality almost entirely, and so much of it is just so out there I know few people I can even share these with. Probably part of the reason I haven’t been doing “people” much lately. I’m guessing, as I write this, that maybe I need to get out of my expectations and just let this process work itself out instead of resisting and judging. Sometimes easier said than done. After all, my own inner knowing/gnosis is probably the biggest and most important work I do here anyway, even if it isn’t mainstream or something most can relate to. It IS okay.
Well, another week has flown by and I still haven’t finished and posted this yet. Might as well add a bit more to catch up first. The garden areas are doing well, and I’m already looking for new zucchini recipes, since we will be eating quite a lot of it. Been eating tons of raspberries too. The corn is tasseling and starting to form ears, so that’s exciting. We did some expansion last weekend and made the fence around our RV bigger to incorporate the garden areas, and now it goes all the way around. It gives the dogs more room, too, when they are kept in during the day. Since I got my little kiddie pool set up and put up a hummingbird feeder, I’ve been enjoying just sitting outside more, which also gives me more opportunities to interact with our dogs. They are way too big to come inside our tiny RV. And they do enjoy the extra attention.
It seems I’m finally coming out of the slight funk I’ve been in. I had a good friend come visit the farm last week, and that helped perk me up. She is someone of like mind and is always inspiring to be around. We have a few plans for future activities, with a view to getting me out more. My husband went to work late on Saturday so he could go with me to get a few bales of grass hay from a small town feed store up north of us, and happened to catch the little farmers market they have there every week. They were a nice group of people, and even though it’s early for me (9am to 1pm) I may try to have a booth there later this summer. I like supporting local farmers and crafters, so of course bought a few things. We also went to the farmers market in another small town to the west of us, and, while the location and time was good, and the people were nice, it felt much more, how do I say it? It felt like going to church, which I don’t do anymore. The one up north from us had a very diverse bunch of people that I would feel much more comfortable spending a morning around, I guess you could say.
And we are buying the pipe this week to run the water underground down to the big barn. Yippie! That is a big project, and it’s looking like it might actually happen this year. It will make winter chores so much easier, so I am very happy about that. Of course, there is always something to put a kink in things. I asked my daughter about the car she was going to give back to me and found out it needs four new tires. It has studded snow tires still on it from the winter before. Oh well, it’s only money, right? And, we are getting two more batteries for the solar system. It seems we get about an hour a battery most of the time, so with eight batteries we should get about eight hours of solar. That’s not bad. We leave a small refrigerator on the solar all the time, and it seems to be handling that well, without drawing too much power. You know, my husband has to have room to keep beer cold in the summer. And it’s not fun opening the main refrigerator and having stuff fall out because it’s too full.
I could probably keep going now that I got started, but think I will stop for now. Hope anyone reading this is enjoying their summer. Usually by mid August we start feeling the evenings cool down more, even though the days are hot. This summer has been anything but normal, though. Heat wise it’s been far more tolerable than previous years, and less smoke in the air than the last 5 years straight. It’s nice to be able to breath! Until next time...
I’m not myself today, maybe I’m you