I have been staring at this blank page for days now, waiting for the words that are formulating a thought in the back of my mind, one not known before. This is the subtle struggle that really is no struggle at all. I have been accustomed to the exterior battles and to deep emotional upwelling so that to be looking into something so gossamer that it morphs even as I gaze is disassociating me from solid reality. Like a most sensitive lens as I focus it escapes me, moving as it does in and out of conscious awareness, this space is not easy to speak of.
To express that which wants to express I will describe an experience from the other night while watching The Revenant, most likely the most brutally raw depiction of nature and man I have ever seen. The setting is the icy winterscape of the great north, the clash of men against men and nature Herself evoked an emotion from the deepest place in me. As I watched the scene where Glass (Leonardo DiCaprio) encounters his dead son while in a trance on the edge of his own death, they embrace in a love and longing so deep that my whole being cried. . .
She knows now that we humans are the only beings capable of this depth of emotion, it is the greatest teacher and the experience is one we not only chose but created … Sits and ponders this thought, she is curious if others find the Truth of it.
We seem to always be searching for answers to the why questions, these questions haunt me. I may file them away for awhile, there are many drawers with a variety of labels; “everything is energy”, “this reality is an illusion”, “spirit can be anything”, and the most negating of all, “nothing really matters”.
In some way these answers satisfy but if they were the true food of the soul we wouldn’t still be here in this world of conflicting realities, on one hand the most beautiful resonant jewel and on the other the most horrific barbarity of continual betrayals and blood sacrifice, life and death staring each other in face, the final showdown.
What my mind is reaching for is the knowledge of why we choose this path, it seems it was necessary and here I breach a barrier … words such as fallen angels play in the perceptual field … then comes the day the music of the spheres stopped and the great rift of silence opened and we fell through time and space.
Today I sit in a certain and absolute knowing that I chose this for reasons that subtly come in and out of focus.
There is the multidimensional me that has been uncovered and deeply intuited, the one I am often aware of playing as it does in past and future timelines, drip feeding my currently limited brain with what it is able to process. This self speaks more fully through my whole body, the body that is the reflection in this dimension of the whole cosmos.
“It seems that one cannot ever really understand until one understands with one’s body.” —Mirra Alfassa
The pondering mind sitting in silence contemplates further; why are so many awakening?, why did we make such an arduous journey to the present moment?, what is about suffering that is so essential to the soul? Being honest with our self these questions seem natural in such a world as this, the one we created either through ignorance or malice.
So pulling the previous answers out of the dusty filing cabinet of spiritual arrogance (“to claim for oneself, assume,” from ad- “to+ rogare “ask, propose”.) She sees that even this word has been distorted, nevertheless it is obvious to her that the religiously patented answers don’t satisfy the deeper cravings of her soul.
Swirling around her are the multiplicitous experiences of uncountable life times, the words of friends, sages, spiritual warriors, enemies past and present, words and thought patterns, individual answers and others deep ponderings and projections. She feels all of this as waves of energy condensed into particles that inform via the neural pathways of expressive organic life.
What I have stumbled into is a fractal me that knows in part what it really Knows in whole. Within that fractal is a completeness and a simultaneous frustration that keeps me exploring and finding ways to expand and express.
She smiles in acknowledgement that there is a subtle key here.
What greater beauty is there really than the magic of living a life immersed in this great moment? What greater joy is there but to fulfill the self with the knowledge that any other is not separated but by belief? What greater sorrow can be expressed other than the longing for union, for completion?
We are moving through the impacting realities of worlds colliding and as we do comes the realization that we are meta-morphing into something new, so precious that it requires of one a final implosion within the self of all the fractals while maintaining the grace of love.
What we are Be-coming and eternally becoming is Life’s greatest miracle, one to be fully embraced within the illuminated soul where shadows have been met and transmuted.
She shares with me one final thought, that while we are feeling the sorrow of loss, the pain of letting go we come to realize nothing is ever lost only distilled and transcended. We are eternal seeds returning again to the fertile waters of Creation, untethered and free.