Narcissus (1590s) by Caravaggio (Galleria Nazionale d'Arte Antica, Rome)
A question once posed and held long enough and when it emerges with a sincere desire to know will bring answers. A reemerging question for me is; Are all humans plagued with degrees of narcissism? And if not narcissistic are most caught in a self absorbed reflection of self? Oh, the subtleties!
Allowing myself a moment to reflect back and disclose an inner piece of me. Several years ago while fleeing and disengaging from a person who had all the traits of a narcissist took me into one of the more frightening memories I’ve had to endure and stay with long enough to glean the needed wisdom and take one more step toward freedom.
As I was reeling around inside with hurt and feelings of total betrayal I arrived at a me that was so empty, so vacant, so taken over that she projected an arrogant disregard for life… her finger pointing out to the dark entities who and what to destroy next. To say it felt horrible doesn’t do justice to the realization that my soul was once so captured that it could not exercise its free will. This me was sitting in a high throne of stone, haughty and cold in her emptiness. The onslaught of shame along with the desire for redemption left me feeling so puny and insignificant… thanks to some dear women friends I was able to stay with these feelings and allow them to show me how I ever got to this place in the beginning. What occurred was I could see the multiple lifetimes I had prior to arriving at this despicable me, lifetimes of enduring torture, both in this reality and others. In that manner I found a true forgiveness for myself along with a deeper compassion for those who are similarly implanted and vacant.
What happen after this was I returned to myself in this present life with the astounding and freeing realization of just how self absorbed I was, how fear and doubts are used to compress the soul into base (ego) survival instincts, a place where there is no room for others. Finally came relief and a burst of laughter to let me know that I had absolved this part of me and taken another step toward my boundless soul.
Much has been written about the relationship of the empath and the narcissist but this isn’t what I want to address here, it is more a prodding to those who have these traits to dive deeper into their own darkness, to find the courage to embrace and love even their worst characteristics.
Once the truth is seen it can’t be unseen and in that is our liberation. Until we meet our own darkness it plays in the background finding ways to impose itself, some mannerisms so subtle that they can barely be seen and others so outrageous that it is a surprise they aren’t seen.
Love unbound, fierce and free.
Christine
Degrees in measure, for those who might make offense of what I am posting let me be clear that I am not naming anyone simply sharing my own despicable me story, perhaps a guide to those caught in any of these characteristics, there is always a way through.
“Life is a stage, and when the curtain falls upon an act, it is finished and forgotten. The emptiness of such a life is beyond imagination.”
– Alexander Lowen describing the existence of a narcissist.
Four dimensions of narcissism as a personality variable have been delineated as leadership/authority, superiority/arrogance, self-absorption/self-admiration and exploitativeness/entitlement.
Narcissists typically display most and sometimes all of the following traits:
- • An obvious self-focus in interpersonal exchanges
• Problems in sustaining satisfying relationships
• A lack of psychological awareness.
• Difficulty with empathy.
• Problems distinguishing the self from others.
• Hypersensitivity to any insults or imagined insults.
• Vulnerability to shame rather than guilt.
• Haughty body language.
• Flattery towards people who admire and affirm them (narcissistic supply).
• Detesting those who do not admire them (narcissistic abuse).
• Using other people without considering the cost of doing so.
• Pretending to be more important than they actually are.
• Bragging (subtly but persistently) and exaggerating their achievements.
• Claiming to be an "expert" at many things.
• Inability to view the world from the perspective of other people
• Denial of remorse and gratitude.
- • Shamelessness: Shame is the feeling that lurks beneath all unhealthy narcissism, and the inability to process shame in healthy ways.
• Magical thinking: Narcissists see themselves as perfect, using distortion and illusion known as magical thinking. They also use projection to "dump" shame onto others.
• Arrogance: A narcissist who is feeling deflated may "reinflate" their sense of self-importance by diminishing, debasing, or degrading somebody else.
• Envy: A narcissist may secure a sense of superiority in the face of another person's ability by using contempt to minimize the other person or their achievements.
• Entitlement: Narcissists hold unreasonable expectations of particularly favorable treatment and automatic compliance because they consider themselves special. Failure to comply is considered an attack on their superiority, and the perpetrator is considered an "awkward" or "difficult" person. Defiance of their will is a narcissistic injury that can trigger narcissistic rage.
• Exploitation: Can take many forms but always involves the exploitation of others without regard for their feelings or interests. Often the other person is in a subservient position where resistance would be difficult or even impossible. Sometimes the subservience is not so much real as assumed.
• Bad boundaries: Narcissists do not recognize that they have boundaries and that others are separate and are not extensions of themselves. Others either exist to meet their needs or may as well not exist at all. Those who provide narcissistic supply to the narcissist are treated as if they are part of the narcissist and are expected to live up to those expectations. In the mind of a narcissist, there is no boundary between self and other.
