For all that I have written about the trials and tribulations during my life, nothing even comes close to the power and frightening nature of real love.
“Close your eyes, fall in love, stay there.” — Rumi
Written on June 25th, 2018: “While I reeled through sorrow I came to that place in myself that knows only love and by accepting the fullness of it let go of all expectations and will continue the course of real love. In all the revelations I’ve had it is the only truth I can find. The rest is a hall of mirrors of perspectives with imagery bouncing off in endless projections.“
This will be an attempt to put to words the near indescribable feelings that have welled up in me over the past month and a half. I have shared pieces of my journey with a beloved, a man I know whose energy transcends time and space. A being who came into my life over a decade ago, unfathomable in terms of so called normal life. Then again, I have not lived a normal life, for there was something deep within that propelled me to walk the path not taken. Those of you who have done the same know that there is an irresistible force that likely seems reckless, even ruthless to those who don’t walk it.
[If interested you can read part our journey that began here and here.]
Weaving in and out of these days were also ones of personal and collective discomfort. Having learned long ago to embrace any discomfort, I recognize that it offered an opportunity to shed ever more subtle and shadowy layers that clouded my psyche. Shining one’s own light inwardly is alchemy for the soul.
It definitely wasn’t unexpected that I would see Cristian again, for we often talked about it; however, it sent a jolt like lightening through me when he emailed me his plane ticket for a month-long visit. My body started to vibrate at a new frequency, taking me away from a Zen-like state of foundational peace; though I could return to it rather easily, I knew my life was about to change in some fundamental way. Having learned to not project expectations onto a coming event, I simply allowed the not knowing in an exploration of my feelings—what our reunion would bring was in some manner not up to either of us.
Not many people know how abrupt our separation was six years ago, nor how broken open I was. All I will write here to provide some context is that it was a shattering death of all that came before; it took all the strength that I could muster to stay in my body along with the help of a few dear friends who nursed me back to life. The beauty of Grace came after the passage—my heart for the first time was so broken that it opened to the immensity of love and flowed unhindered within the field of compassion. In these moments of mystical visions and new comprehension I accepted that some things are destined to happen along The Way. Full compassion is also full forgiveness, for it sees the divine hand operating in the background along with an unshakable acceptance.
How quickly, seamlessly really did we return to the field of love’s magical flow. Two beings living as one body. Laughter ringing out in shared silliness, completing sentences for each other or simply passing the kitchen knife to the other’s hand before it was asked for. There were other moments too, raw emotions that needed to be expressed, so raw they risked everything in their expression—a welling up of centuries of grief mixed with happenings in this lifetime. No blame was being cast but pure raw unadulterated emotions scare most people whether it comes from their own self or from another.
We took long walks in the hills every evening, stopping in silent gratitude to appreciate the glory of creation. The gratitude for a shared life flowed through everyday unhindered by any challenges that arose, even the Jeep breaking down on a longed for road trip became the reason to buy a motorcycle which served us well. Riding on the back was an act of surrender as the wind whipped my hair and the road whizzed by just below my feet. The days were long and hot so we sipped wine on the veranda in the evening as a cool breeze caressed bare skin, enchanted by the sensuousness of natural magic. Being at oneness with the breeze, the bird song, the dogs playing, and the watery splash of the fountain flowed in harmony as our consciousness was enraptured by the encompassing beauty of Nature.
We don’t fit anyone’s cultural structure of what couples should-would-could be, our meeting in the first place defies probabilities—separated by generations and thousands of miles we were somehow drawn together. That coming together took courage though as I often write that it isn’t really courage for those who came here to break habituated repeating patterns and life times of coercion into the falsified narrative of reality. Knowing this does not make it easy by any means, one comes to realize that the soul will be tested to the degree it has agreed to. This becomes the test of an ultimate letting go of structures, safety nets, psychological archetypes, belief systems, and everything that stands between ourselves and love — and so this leads me to the reason I am writing.
During our month together we lived in the field of love’s purest magic, each moment flowing to the next mixed with an intoxicating joy. Yet—always present was the parting moment, and a knowing that this time was a gift from heaven, if you will. Remembering that joy is also sorrow pending, just as sorrow will distill to joy, this never ceasing cycle of duality is the current state of affairs in this realm we call Earth. My heart started to fill so full that I felt it would burst; accepting both sides of the coin in the same breath nearly became excruciatingly difficult. Somehow one finds a way, a well of acceptance that indeed transcends time and space as the ego with all its desires shrinks to the background.
The days after his return to Romania were difficult in many ways, the wind beneath my wings was gone and I floated like a feather in a void. There seemed little I could grasp to help navigate the sudden emptiness. So I slowly floated back to the ground, surprisingly landing softly to once again find the only place I could which is love’s eternal embrace.
Then it struck me in a thunderous moment that letting go and loving unconditionally simultaneously is the most difficult test of all. Even as I write these words in Cristian’s absence, my heart moves to a place where I again sit with my biggest fear, a nearly insurmountable one, of what it will take to ultimately break free from what binds us here? That question, I will leave in Love’s Divine hands.
“My love for you is old, it was born before our time it is a love that echoes from life times ago, fleeting glimpses of our life in paradise
…and I have memories of who we were, of lifetimes spent finding each other of walking through the winding roads, and all the time we walked together.
In you, I have found pieces of myself that I have been searching for. In you, I have found tethers of my soul that were once tied to yours.
In your eyes, I have seen reflections of myself that are filled with ancient memories about parts of myself that I had long forgotten, my soul’s unsung melodies.”
— Author Unknown
…and I have memories of who we were, of lifetimes spent finding each other of walking through the winding roads, and all the time we walked together.
In you, I have found pieces of myself that I have been searching for. In you, I have found tethers of my soul that were once tied to yours.
In your eyes, I have seen reflections of myself that are filled with ancient memories about parts of myself that I had long forgotten, my soul’s unsung melodies.”
— Author Unknown
