And so I take another step.
I commented to someone the other day that I am trying to go with the flow. But it feels rather like I am riding rapids without a raft or life jacket. Truth.
Part of these rapids is learning how to maneuver forum life. Balance is sought between physical and cyber worlds, between "cities" within the cyber world. I am doing the best I can. I do not know where I belong, I am learning as I go, how much to share, what not to say, and I appreciate that I am given the space, the freedom, to figure out my own way. I imagine the only reason I am given this space is because I don't break the rules anywhere. I may be allowed to do this by default, since I haven't actually broken any rules. My opening post here said that I stand alone. And this is pretty difficult, pretty taxing. When I look back at some point, I will know what this has taught me. While learning, it is rough going.
I write this morning because it has come to my attention that my avatar is misunderstood. Or it can be. I have used a rose in my avatar on and off for years. It is truly a beautiful flower, and I have always loved roses. One time I had a row of rose bushes that lined my backyard fence. I used to spend hours just touching them. And taking in the sweet scent.
I thought I had explained this particular go round with the rose avatar in my post, above. The experience with the window and the sun. "I am a rose," I said, I thought, I experienced, I was reminded.
This reference goes back to a very powerful dream experience I had, it must be two years ago by now. Everything was traumatically stripped from me, my children, my belongings, my memory, my identity, and I was trying desperately to call my husband on the phone to have him take care of my children. And in the end of the dream, I was repeating this phrase: "I am a Rose, and You are the Sun." It was as if this was a lifeline, and if I forgot it I would....I don't know what. There was just no other choice than to hang on to this. I repeated this so powerfully in my being, that I woke up in a panic and in a sweat, still reciting this. And it has never left me.
Now. The purple. This goes back to another dream experience I had. In real life, I have a very old purple sweater. It is my security blanket sometimes. I can wrap it around myself a couple of times, haha, and I have had it since before I even joined forums...so...6 or 7 years now. There was a snippet of another powerful experience, where this sweater was wrapped around my throat, neck, and upper body so tightly that I felt I was choking. I was fighting pretty hard to free myself, but could not. I talked through this experience with a friend at the time, who helped me get rid of the panic. Upon realizing that purple is Higher Self energy, I agreed with the assessment that until I submit to my Higher Guidance system, I will be in a struggle like this.
The white in the rose is inner, if you will notice. White to me has become a very spiritual color. My favorite candle to work with is white. I do use others, but I love the white. Things that are spiritual appear to me as white and kind of glimmery, most often. And white is a color theme that shows up in the most spiritual memories. I won't say more, but I could. Anyway, the white is the inner, tender, heart-part of the rose. And it looks, to me, almost as if the Outer is opening to show the Inner. A birth, of sorts. A birth of the Spiritual, very sacred, part of Me. And opening up. A bringing forth, or uncovering.
This is all quite personal, but look. While I am not responsible for how anyone else interprets any of my actions, I do feel a responsibility to clarify should I be repeatedly misunderstood.
Setting this down now, and taking another step. 1 at a time, I go.
Much Love left in my wake, I hope.
Last edited by Blue Rising
on Wed Jan 27, 2016 3:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Do not fashion me a maiden who needs saving from the dragons. I am the Dragon. And I will eat you whole.